


Random accounts of my "Queer" life

by Tao_tllynotyou



Category: Original Work
Genre: Accounts, Bad Puns, Flex off, Gains, Gen, Gyms, Hobbies, IRL, Pain, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Puns & Word Play, Real Life, She-ra - Freeform, Shenanigans, Slice of Life, Tattoos, Wishes, broke AF, catradora, entries, fake tattoos, fun times, im a weird person, mundane-ish, references, what is normal?, why are we still here?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2019-09-19 17:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 67
Words: 41,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17006190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tao_tllynotyou/pseuds/Tao_tllynotyou
Summary: I've decided to finally get it out there. It's a bit boring (and frustrating) having to keep everything to yourself. By the time I tell people in real life I would of already forgotten (due to my trash memory). So, enjoy my mundane-ish life and the shenanigans I get up to.





	1. Entry.1  15th December 2018

So, this is the first entry... Hello there! The name is Tao, and it's a pleasure to meet you. Or... Sup! How's it going? Name's Tao, nice to meet ya.

Two ways of greeting with two different impressions. Which one do you like more? Either way that is how I welcome people depending on my mood or situation.

Back to what happened. I just wanted to recount what happened in the school shooting drill. It was the entire school's first time, and it didn't go as expected. It was on Thursday, so a few days ago, I walked into my form room early (for once) to be registered. Miss entered the room (on time for once) and explained to everyone what to do. The alarm went off, but we couldn't hear it until we saw what was going on through the window and pieced two and two together. The blinds were down, a few people hid under the desks. I calmly walked over to the bag racks, which was near the door with an uncovered window. I reached down and grabbed my badminton racket in my left hand and a solid metal rod in my right (it just happened to be laying there). Then I walked back to my seat and sat so I could see the entire room. Someone put on pumped up kicks when we were told to be quiet, but no one cared. Everyone carried on like usual, chatting with each other and playing on their phones until the drill ended. I did have a backup plan, of jumping out of the window and landing on the common room roof, if I needed to escape.

Back to today. It the Christmas holidays now, we get let out approximately a week earlier than most schools. Mocks are over, but I am dreading the reports my parents are going to receive soon. I didn't even get to have a glance at it. T-T

I already miss my friends. That was my last time having a school Christmas dinner with everyone gathered. Soon we all have to part ways. Hopefully, I can meet up with some during the break.

My brothers have been annoying like usual. I've got sat on for occupying someone else's bed, even though they weren't using it and I was keeping it warm for them!

Work drained me, dad thinks I have a memory of a goldfish (I'm just really tired and easily distracted with things I'm not interested in). Managed to watch another episode of the new She-Ra reboot with my little sister. Texted my friend and shared a few jokes, he said that I "was asking to be sat on". Friends ask if you are alright while best friends laugh at you, am I right? (Well partially I guess).

My job was okay today. At least I didn't have to deal with some obnoxiously rude customer, although some still can't hear me after I holler out their name and order a few times.

Oh and I forgot to mention that I managed to get permission and hanged up some mistletoe at school! It was funny watching how people walked past it, most did in single file, but some did wait there for a special person *wink*. When some people found out, they either congratulated me or started whining, either way, all the reactions were funny. Some of the staff members lead me into their gossip. It was awkward.

During the dinner, I toasted everyone and cracked a few more jokes and terrible puns. I even performed tricks with the water to entertain the bored. Got a few presents which were really lovely. I didn't expect people to give me anything or even remember me.

I'm the kinda person that is interesting at the moment but quickly forgotten. The 'grey' man as people call it. Not the first one to make a move but also not the last. I blend into crowds easily, due to my shyness and non-confrontational personality.

I nearly fainted onstage during public speaking once, then something like a being, possessed me or a hidden side took over, and I felt like I was sitting back and watching whatever panned out on a gigantic screen that filled everything I could see called my vision. I'm still pretty shooketh at the memory of it.

Anyway enough about me waffling on. Sorry if it's a lot to take in, it's the first entry, so there was a lot I wanted to talk about. I'll come back tomorrow hopefully, or as soon as possible.

See you all then.

Tao


	2. Entry.2 16th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning shift, a visit to the park (which doesn't go as planned) and evening shift of work. And all the things in between.

A second entry... huh?

Welp, I'm really tired, but hey that is what I'm like half the time now.

So this morning... not much happened. I was woken up by my brother with him blaring out his music. His excuse was to make sure that I didn't doze off. I wasn't because I was too busy reading web novels on my phone. Not that he knows either.

Ended up curling up in bed with a phone to keep me entertained for the most part of the morning. I accidentally-on-purpose missed the BJJ session today. I felt that I needed time to recuperate, but another side of me keeps saying that I'm lazy, which is not wrong.  
I had to be careful with what I went on as mum was occupying the same room I was in and I didn't have my headphones around. I ended watching a video about unboxing a Gemini PSA 4G phone/ laptop thingy from planet computer.

I really wanted something like that, before I knew about that model all I thought existed was a palmtop computer (which are no longer sold). Then there are Chromebooks and small laptops, but they weren't small enough. So I resorted to a small tablet with a Bluetooth keyboard (which I have no money for). I want to go earn money in secret as if my parents knew that I was receiving, they would monitor and control everything I buy (and I don't even buy much!). Maybe I should start a Patreon or something like that. Not like anyone is going to support me in that... I think...

So I've checked the features, and it can double as a phone and a laptop. Saves me from buying two. I know that you can use a phone for everything, but sometimes you need a computer to do the rest.

Then came my morning shift at work. A mind-numbing task of bagging a set number of items. At least I worked at a decent rate which got the work completed in a reasonable amount of time without draining me too much.

After lunch and a few texts to my friend and my brother suggested to play badminton with me at the park. I agreed as I was going to be bored out of my mind and was excited to use my been racquet. Mum made us take the rest of our siblings too. So the four of us made our way to the park.

It was cold, and if I didn't wear my vest underneath everything, I wouldn't have made it on the journey to there. The wind was inconsistent and blowing hard to my left, we didn't even get a good rally. I managed to recreate a vine. I held on to the swinging circle and imitated "I wanna be a cowboy baby," on it before doing some pull-ups, so the journey wasn't wasted.

I tried calling my friend to keep my mind off the freezing cold on the way home with darkening skies. He didn't pick up. It was probably because of him walking his dogs and leaving his phone behind in his house.

Ended face timing him and having to migrate from room to room in the house to avoid other people when we get back. We just wanted a private one to one. I teased him about his crush Lolol. That was funny, him being possessive and saying that she was his. As if I'll steal her away from him! I like someone else, and they are oblivious AF!

I had to end the face time since work called me and I had to start my night shift. At least we've got a plan scheduled for Thursday morning. I hope I can wake up early. I'm not a morning person and taking night shifts don't help either.

Texted the rest of my friends and arranged a few presents going to be sent off to them for Christmas. I hope they enjoy it. I'm broke and have a limited budget due to my parents 'managing my finances'.

So I've researched how to earn money online. I'm planning on entering an essay writing competition and some giveaways. If I win, which is very slim, but the possibility is still there, I either get cash or a laptop. Both I want and kinda need. I'm getting tired of sharing a computer with my siblings. This is due to them destroying my computer, so now I'm a computer down. At least I've uploaded the essential data to the cloud so I can access it on other devices. That sucked and it still sucks... Sucks balls... I'm getting desperate as there is a curfew on the computers and everyone needs to take in turns to use it with the limited time we have.

Made another plan that was initially going to be a meetup, but then ended up in a gym session together. Gotta get the daily grin in!

And it begins at 7:30 am at the place... Thank god I live close to the gym. Now just gotta wake up in time.

See you guys tomorrow then.

Tao


	3. Entry.3 17th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fun bat around in the sports centre, a gruelling session at Karate and a night shift with headaches.

I'm typing this entry up, twenty minutes before the day ends at midnight.

So I've got more to say today than yesterday.

I set my alarm for 7:00 am but ended waking up at 7:50 am... I quickly checked my texts to make sure that my friend wasn't waiting for me and to tell him I was going to be late so he can carry on without me. He was running late too so we pushed the starting time back an hour. I quickly changed and ran out only having a cup of honey water for breakfast.

I walked past plenty of people still travelling to school. Lolol, quite glad that my school lets us out a week early. Was planning on going into the gym but ended renting out a squash court, we worked up some sweat. Talking about a few things that we wouldn't usually with people around. Learned something new: apparently, it says in a newspaper that men have periods too... we discussed and so far no symptoms to be found...Interesting/ strange.

After that, I was going to buy him a drink as of thanks for everything he has done for me. We walked there to find that the cafe was closed! The timings were right but only for the school term which has ended for us. At least the gym is free to students. We both parted ways with a bro hug.

I had a proper breakfast on my own; it was rice with eggs and soya sauce. Just carbs and protein, my body craved for it, so I gave it. And then a banana smoothie because I wanted something sweet.

I searched for a bunch of writing competitions and ended entering one for poetry. I looked at the previous years' examples, and I deflated... I would be lucky to get a runner-ups prize. I need the money so I can buy my computer to use and work on more projects faster. I don't know. Maybe I can program a few games and paste the link here so you guys can try them out if you want to that is.

I am also planning on writing a few Christmas specials, one for a story me and my friend are co-authoring and another one which is going to be a Catradora fic... ( I ship them, but the other ships are valid too).

I scrolled through my feed and admired other people's art, experiences and computer setups. Just... HOW!?!? I'm broke AF, but I still daydream about having a custom built working laptop and gaming computer.

Got landed the night shift, so I turned up to Karate a few mins late. But hey, it's better late than never!

Had a fantastic yet gruelling time, it does feel good to be back. And I apologised to everyone that I accidentally hurt during practice. Well done to everyone who got promoted though!

Didn't get to finish the She-Ra episode I was on but, I did watch some episodes of 'Dynasties', the new documentary about five different species.

Made a plan with an old friend, we are going to go into town and watch a movie in the cinema. I dunno what she wants to watch, so I went for a safe choice of options of 'The Grinch' or 'Spider-man: Into the Spider-Verse'. Which one do you prefer?

That's all I've got to say for now.  
I'll see all you guys in the next entry.

Tao


	4. Entry.4 18th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: A rant about parents and BS. Might be bit rushed. Apologies for that.

So today was a bit on the bad side.

This morning was great, went to the gym with my brother and played some badminton.

Unfortunately, nearly half of the shuttlecocks we bought, was destroyed by our smashes and clears. It didn't help with my body aching from yesterday's session of squash. I tried to play with my non-dominant hand, and it was pretty alright.

We had to walk home in the pouring rain which dampened the mood.

I checked my emails to see if my friend has replied, nearly died from seeing that my parents would have received the reports today. All that was sent to them were my brothers' results and not mine. I don't know what is going on with the emails, but I am still to blame somehow... I don't even control the reports or contacts from school to my parents.

Also since they don't have my report, they just assume the worst, when you look through the history of reports I have. It's just straight A's & A*s with a few Bs. WHAT ELSE DO YA WANT FROM ME!?!? My parents have high AF standards, and they wonder why I'm always stressed and tired.

I had to cancel plans which I have told mum in advance because I'm not 'studying enough'. Concerning that; in the day I'm running errands for the family, and at night I'm working. This is all under her commands, and I have no time to myself unless I cut into my sleep, which is what I am doing right now.

Sorry about the rant. I'm still trying to get used to being falsely accused of everything and getting all the blame... I'm still not used to it all these years.

Parents: We support you in whatever you do! You can't rely on us making all the decisions for you.

Me: okay *make a choice*

Parents: WHY TF DID YOU CHOSE THAT!?!? No, you have to do this, otherwise (insert threat here) and we don't support it.

Me: ... -_- ...

Anyway looking on the bright side, I've still got two Christmas special stories to write and the hunt for giveaways to enter.

Just got a message from a friend. He says that he can go to the gym with me tomorrow, that's a plan I can do (hopefully).

My brothers got another phone confiscated due to their trash 'sneak' skills.

Got talking with my friend over email about crushes and I'm still in the process of trying to get them together. He really is completely smitten by his crush. I admit that she is pretty cute, so I understand him. It sucks having crushes, I just usually wait till it dies out.

Tomorrow is my last chance of buying a special burger in town. I need to get away from my job first.

Still trying to find ways of earning money online... most of the things I have to wait until I'm 18 or over. Guess all the dream tech have to wait for a while longer. Sometimes I'm a really patient person (I once waited for three years for a mask I liked), and other times my temper is shorter than the time it takes someone to blink.

Looking forward to my day off, which is Christmas Day... and we are visiting the family, which is not good. I have a survival plan ready for family gatherings. I'm fed up of being asked questions about my life or being personally attacked.

I was yelled at by my boss for having an incompetent colleague... He's trying his best okay! I missed my BJJ session because of that.

I'm debating whether I should do the Catradora Christmas special fic on a common ground Christmas party or a Rebellion Christmas party with Catra secretly included.

Your choice ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯. (Terminator's voice) I'll be back.

Tao


	5. Entry.5 19th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not much today. Talk about my friends, upcoming stories and a possible new habit.

Not much to report today.

Well... I did get let off work early today, so I managed to grab the last venison burger from the stand. I munched on a big Churro stick pumped with Nutella. That was delicious. Unfortunately, today was probably the last day the stands are going to be out. I guess I have to wait till next year.

This morning I went to the gym, I think it's becoming a habit. I went a bit later than usual because I had to wait for my brothers to finish their activities. I helped one with music theory and started to recite and learn my German presentation off by heart. I've also got a French presentation to do too. I'm going to die Lolol.

After the badminton session, I went to the gym and lifted some weights. I don't do cardio, the closest thing to it that I do is HIIT (High-Intensity Interval Training). My energy are more like explosive, high spikes that deplete and replenishes at a fast rate. Well, that's how I will describe it if someone asks me. I prefer to sprint for short distances that jog for a marathon. The only marathon I'm doing is a movie one!

My voice had been going, as I managed to catch a cold from someone. So when I was on the phone I had to repeat myself a few times, at least my stuttering wasn't as severe as yesterdays. Accidentally getting people's attention when all you want is for your voice not to die on you, it was very awkward.

My friend is dropping off his present to me tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that. I hope that my old friend likes hand cream from the body shop... I dunno what girls like and it's bothering me. My presents this year was actually good. All the things I wanted but forgot about. Kinda wish my parents would give me permission to open a PayPal account, but they won't because they don't trust me... I haven't bought anything out of impulse. Everything I've wanted I've either waited for ages (a month and onwards) or discussed with my parents.

I've started writing up a Christmas special. I'm only a third to a quarter way through, and I've written about a thousand words. This is just the first draft, so it's gonna increase. I have the faintest idea for the Catradora fic, and I need to finish off the season before I start it.

I'm also starting to hear sounds again, so that's really annoying. Guess I need some more sleep.

WHO HAS SEEN THE NEW UPDATE FOR THE ARCANA?!? Wow, a Muriel route now. Mountain man, take me by the hand, carry me across the land. I'm still waiting for the Portia route. I love my Pasha more than mountain man and anyone else, apart from Nadia. It's confirmed that Mazelinka likes girls too. It's in the game, go check it out if you want to.

I'm jealous of my friend who got a vinyl copy of the newest Panic! At the disco album: Pray for the Wicked. I want it but I'm broke, and my parents don't approve of the songs. They say my taste of music is trash.

I've ran out of chocolate to eat... wait I still have Oreos... those will sustain me for the time being.

Due to my workouts, my abs and biceps are coming back. Yay! Now I need to keep my exercises up.

I hope I can go to town with my friend. That would be nice on my day off. I've also got to play the Piano and finish off some homework which I've just remembered...

I need to go and write a plan.

See ya then.

Tao


	6. Entry.6 20th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are rolling again but, my cold is getting worse.

I managed to go into town with my friend today. Originally, mum wouldn't allow me as I wasn't studying in the holiday... Excuse me, we don't go to school on holidays for a reason.

So I went to the gym like usual today and lifted weights, I am now finding pull-ups and chin-ups much easier to do now, and I'm lifting heavier weights. My muscles are coming back which is excellent! I also managed to convince my brother to come along tomorrow at 9:30 am.

When I walked out, I talked to the receptionist about the opening times for Christmas and found out that they were closed on Christmas, Boxing and New Year's Day. They also recommend me to get some rest as my cold was making my voice sound terrible.  
I came home to find out that my friend came to find me to go into town with him, but I was at the gym.

I phoned them a bunch of times, but they didn't pick up, my arm was shaking from the exercise. I later found out that his phone was smashed and sent into the repairs.

Dad also asked me what do I do in the gym. I couldn't tell him that I was lifting weights, so I just said 'Exercising'. At least he was satisfied with the vague ass answer.

Mum tried to find a jumper that she bought for me that I didn't like. She couldn't find it in the end and ended trashing my wardrobe. I had to tidy it up and thanks to that, I found an old jacket that I thought was pretty cool. Mum bought it a few years back, and it still fits me. As long as I don't flex too hard, then it won't break. It's flannel/ plaid and red with a grey hood. It's thin so, I am planning on wearing it indoors or not during winter.

I put it on and showed to mum and friends. They said I looked good in it. They even called me handsome! My friend says my style is more of a chill skater, I asked for his opinion. He said that he was jealous of me looking better than he does in his clothes.

I also found a Christmas hoodie which was great too. My friend tried it on, and he looked good in it. Wow, I guess it's good to go through your old clothes. I need some new t-shirts and vests/ tank tops. My old clothing is getting too small for me, especially in the shoulder area.

I got a manga as a gift. I ended up finishing it in a few hours... Oops. Now I want to buy the rest of the volumes.

I waited for two hours for my friend's hair to be done, during that time I was just searching up memes and showing it to him. He said that no one had done that for him and that I was the best mate he's ever had. I felt honoured.

We ended up waiting over half an hour for his mum to pick him up. And we just chatted about his crush. He thought he was going to be a bad boyfriend! HELL TO THE NAW! He was the one that gave me love advice when I needed it and plenty more. So how is he not going to be a good one? I hope he stops doubting himself and gains more confidence in the future. I'm supporting him every step along the way.

The plans are up and running for tomorrow. I'm watching Spider-man: into the Spider-verse with an old friend. I hope she likes it. We are planning on getting some burgers or burritos before watching the film. I hope she doesn't hate the hand cream I picked out for her.

I dunno what girls like, help!

At least I have time in the morning to get a session in the gym before heading out with her.

See you on the other side.

Tao


	7. Entry.7 21st December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Into town again but with an old friend! Dad was pissed so that was a bummer. So many things to do but not enough time.

Today was pretty good apart from the last stretch.

I found lifting some weights much easier now so I moved onto heavier ones. Unfortunately there was more people in the gym so I was too shy to do some exercises until the majority left. Didn't realise that they had badminton on today, I would of brung my racket and played a round or two.

I rushed home and managed to get the dishes done before going into town to meet up with my friend. She was pretty chill about it which was good. We got some burritos and ate in a secluded spot by the cathedral gardens. I treated her to it. The cashier "awww"ed at us...We aren't dating.

We ended up catching up with each other as she moved to an all girls school. Apparently she is the founder of the non-straight group in her year. Kudos to that!

Talked about a girl who got expelled for smoking weed at school, she has done much worse but the authorities didn't care unless it ruined their reputation.   
We made our way to the cinema and managed to get away with children's tickets. Lolol.

Gotta say, Spider-Man: into the spider-verse has great animation, I loved it and I was glad the my friend enjoyed it as well. We went to Primark next to see if there was any clothes to try on/ buy.

I carried her stuff for her until we had to part, as dad was in a bad mood when he phoned me and demanded me to be at home in five minutes. Five minutes! I had already ordered my drink and it was still being prepared, but I managed to make it in time.

Before I left I told my friend to message me when she got home safe and I complimented her. I called her cute, which is true. Her clothing style is adorable. She tried to say something back so, she said that she liked my hooded flannel.

Once I got back home I had an unnecessary lecture and immediately put to work. Dad was mad, so please don't piss off my dad otherwise he'll take it out on others. Thank you.

This is my only free time now. I dunno if I can make the Christmas specials in time. I'm also designing a few things ( a text adventure game and clothing ).

So many things to do, yet so little time we have.

Tao :3


	8. Entry.8 22nd December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A cutie in the gym, me unable to function properly and hopelessly ranting.

Wow-ow to my head for being a b*tch. I accidentally went to sleep around two in the morning, as I couldn't fall asleep... I'm considering buying sleeping pills or caffeine tablets of I can find any. Maybe some red bull?

There was a cutie in the gym today so I couldn't do anything for a few minutes straight. I just pretended to scroll on my phone looking for the right music to workout out to. I couldn't use a few equipments as they were too close to them and I felt like they would judge me. I managed to get everything done in the end by mustering up enough courage to get physically closer to the weights.

If you've got any exercises that burn fat but isn't cardio, please do tell me!

I watched some kids do their taekwondo session. It was the 'fun' one because it was for children and it was the last one before Christmas. Then as I was walking to the changing rooms after my session, I found a bunch of people crowded around a kiddo throwing up. Yep, too much fun for him I guess.

Time is running out for my Christmas specials *chuckles* I'm in danger. End me...

I went to a burrito bar and ordered 5 big burritos for my family and the cashier, a different one this time, looked at me like I was crazy. Either that or that I'm a greedy *ss mother f*cker.

Mum asked why I was out for so long, I couldn't tell her that I was also buying her presents so I said the queue was horrendous. I got her a pair of jogging bottoms.

She always says that she is going to exercise but, she's the type of person to commit for a week or so then drop it. The reason why jogging bottoms and not a t-shirt and shorts... Mum keeps on nicking mine because they fit her with a little bit of baggyness so, it's comfortable.

I had a limited budget but I was tempted to go and buy some clothing that were on sale. I mean, come on! They are 80 percent off!!! It's a great deal! I'm planning on getting more tomorrow, the cards and wrapping paper. Then get everything done before the actual day. Too bad I can't stick around because of work.

Confession: I haven't finished all the routes in the arcana yet, still need to play one from Asra's and two from Julian's. Muriel is just a big guy with a big heart. And Nadia is an absolute QUEEN!!! I'm still waiting for Portia route but the developers made it up by making Lucio beg in Nadia's route.

Me and my friend had a very serious conversation. He was saying how he found it annoying (I think is more to do with jealousy) whenever I'm called handsome and seem more masculine than him. It's not like that... the toxic masculinity needs to stop. He gets called a lesbian, but he's a guy! WTF!!! What's wrong with having an unbroken voice and a really bad hair cut! It doesn't make you a flipping girl! He's a guy, end of the line. Yeah he's shy and kind, but that doesn't make him a girl!

I wish I could destroy all the stereotypes out there. It's stupid to judge something without knowing the full story. Everyone is fighting, whenever you see it or not. A little consideration and kindness goes very far you know?

Anyway, sorry yet not so sorry about the rant. It's funny how he says that he hates how 'perfect' I am. I'm not perfect. No one is, but everyone is striving to be hopefully.

I have so many flaws, I could list them as much as I can think of and then in an hour onwards I can add a few more things onto it. One of my mottos that I live by is "Build your flaws till they no longer hold you back OR you build on your talents to cover your flaws".

The latter is more dangerous if discovered. But the first is less easier.

Your choice.

Tao


	9. Entry.9 23rd December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My cold has gotten worse, so has my relationship with my friend. Oh, and it's my mum's birthday today! Happy birthday to her.

My cold has progressed to the point where whenever I inhale, you hear me wheeze. It sucks. I also have the hacking cough which shreds my throat every time. I'm the type of person to take medicine when I have a foot in my grave.

I was planning on going to BJJ today. I was decked out in the entire gear until Dad sprang on me that he booked a lunch at a restaurant in town. And he went full out. Everything on the menu was £15 or over! I felt so guilty picking out what I wanted. I didn't want to waste his money. Also I'm broke and I have the mentality of a commoner.

I managed to make my family laugh at the table while we were eating. That was good, there was just too much tension in the air.

Today is a Sunday. And Sunday's aren't supposed to be busy, but unfortunately it is at work today, which pissed me off. I didn't want to deal with people as the family time sucked up all my energy. Being social is hard work, help.

I've finished the designs for the hoodies and sent them off. The clothing company are considering them which is good. I also wanted some fingerless gloves but they aren't going to do them just yet. Damn I love fingerless gloves.

I need to find some gloves for weight lifting too. I'm getting callouses all over my palms and they are irritating me. I wanted to give mum a gym membership as a present but, then realised that she might take it the wrong way and be very offended.

I'm not on the best terms with the friend I had a deep conversation last night. I dunno why just, I feel like I've closed off a bit now from them. My safety mechanism is telling me to be careful as they broke my trust. Which is fair enough.

And I feel like someone is using me. Well try better watch out, because I'm dangerous when provoked. I've given out so many warnings and chances, it's crossing the limit now.

(I've just deleted a bunch of text and it's best to be left that way)

I need to go and buy my cousins some presents, I'm planning on getting some fake tattoos and a nice notebook and some chocolate for the little one. He almost gave me a heart attack once, he ran onto the road while I was trying to keep his older siblings under control. I legit sprinted onto the road, scooped him up and only slowed down when I got to the other side. I hate babysitting.

Oh and look at the time, I'm running out of it and I haven't even started the Catradora fic...

We're all gonna die, you either kill yourself or get killed.

Whatcha gonna do?

Tao


	10. Entry.10 24th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Eve. A busy day for me, most of my writing has gone to the Catradora fic so enjoy!

I'm so tired help. I would like to sleep in tomorrow AKA Christmas Day but unfortunately we have to go and visit my cousins. So that means a long journey either by car or train. Dad seems to be coming along so that makes it even better (note the sarcasm).

Today is Christmas Eve. And it was busy as hell at work today. At one point I just plopped my self down and sat there for a few minutes watching people run around like headless chickens. Me and my colleague were close to murdering people and someone of the customers are so downright stupid. It's like: Please don't lie to us, we've been working here for long enough that we know when you are bullsh*tting. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

Uploaded the Catradora fic, enjoy! I'm sorry if it's crap. I just banged it out on my keyboard in around two hours straight. My eyes are closing on me I'm so sleepy.

I can wait till tomorrow but then again there is no gym because everywhere is closed. Dad woke me up this morning by slapping me. Quality parenting guys, quality.

I went out shopping, found some testosterone boosters for my friend, marvel cards, a card game called exploding kittens and a bunch of hoodies and joggers on sale. Too bad that they are all too big for me. I'm just tempted to tailor them to my size. Mum said she will go clothes shopping with me. I don't think she had the same idea as me...

And that's all I can relay back to you guys before my body shuts down on me.

See you all on the other side.

Tao


	11. Entry.11 25th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas and my day off! Whoo!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Happy holidays too.  
I visited my cousins today and exchanged presents with them. Who believed in Santa? I didn't to be honest but if you to do... I'm not going to say anything apart from: How didn't he know that Rudolf was being bullied by the other reindeers?

I wasn't allowed to wear my flannel to the meet up so I wore a hoodie instead. Spent my time on their punching bag and found a ledge to do some pull-ups on. The gym is closed today and tomorrow T-T. I'm still trying to train, even if it's a little bit.

I ate a lot more than my brothers today. I needed the energy (and protein). The Korean BBQ was lovely. Had plenty of meat wrapped in lettuce. I still have the terrible coughs but it's getting better.  
On the way back mum got mad at me. What happened was that I couldn't sleep with all the lights that were on in and out of the car. So I pulled the hood of the jacket I was using as a blanket over my head. I trapped one end so it doesn't slide back down and I managed to take a nap.

Unfortunately mum decided to put her arm around my little sister and rest her hand on shoulder. But without knowing she pulled down the hood, exposing me to the light and scratching my ear with the material. This discomfort woke me up and me being half asleep decided to investigate the thing on my shoulder.

I accidentally swatted away the hand with "too much force", I was half asleep okay! and now mum is mad at me. She started to create a fuss and I was too tired to argue back. But then I couldn't sleep for the rest of the long *ss journey. I told my friend and they said that my mum was just being petty.

Sorry that this is short like the last one. I've just finished another Christmas special which is over 2500 words. It's for my friend.

A big thank you to all the reads and kudos on my Catradora fic. Thank you for reading.

I'll see you next time.

Tao


	12. Entry.12 26th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much more written today and a decent night's sleep. Warning of a rant and a plan that might be acted upon.

Even after getting a rare nine hours of sleep I'm still tired AF.

I'm planning on starting a kickstarter to raise money for me to buy a Gemini PDA 4G with Wifi. The thing I'm planning on giving out is a RPG text adventure game.

It's heavily story based and depending on your actions it depends on the outcome of the story. There might be different endings to the games. The main characters doesn't have a meaning in life until they get kicked out of their parents house. This is like the very first and really rough draft so it's not even set in stone what the plot or game features are going to be like.

The reason why I'm raising money is because that I don't want my parents to know that I am getting myself a device. When they get anything for me, they have the right to take it away from me. Which is why I'm now using a shared computer which has priorities to my brother. It's his after all. My one is destroyed thanks to another brother, who's computer is also trashed. Well done god of destruction. Well done.

I'm enjoying all the new She-Ra festive comics. Some are really funny while other make me go "aww". My friend and I ranted with each other about our families. His was about how his grandpa has a mental condition and so people treat him like a really fragile being. But all you need to do is to go slow with him. And feed him with bite sized chunk of information and he'll get it like any other human being.

I was just complaining about work and one rude and petty AF customer. He shut the phone on me after I asked him to speak up. I said "I'm sorry I can't hear you, can you speak up please?" Is that bad customer service!?!? I dunno apparently it is. And I explained to him that phone I have is at its highest volume and the line is really bad. He just slammed the phone down on me half way through the order. The manager saw and gave me an earful.

Then my parents knew and they had a go at me. I followed every single rule literally and yet I still get in trouble for it doing it correctly. It says it on the instruction sheet clearly and I've done everything! What else do ya need? I'm not trained for this job, ~~or paid enough~~.

I'm getting pumped up for gym tomorrow. Exited to go in and lift some weights. It's been closed for two days and after one it started to get a bit unbearable. Also I can hide out in the gym because I know my family won't be going in and barely anyone (never mind I recognise them) is there at this time of the year. Maybe some more since Christmas is over and people want to get rid of the stomach/ fat they have gained. I'm fine until there is more than 3 people, not including me, are in the gym. I get scared and then I can't workout because I'm too busy thinking about how people will judge me.

I've just remembered that I've got holiday homework too. At least it's a research one. I'm good at that, researching that is. I've also got to learn two presentations off by heart, one in French and the other in German. Revision for all the subjects and practice on the piano.

I forgot to mention that on Christmas eve they were playing Shrek on the TV in the gym reception. And there was some weird flashing lights outside of my window around half past ten last night.

I played Exploding Kittens with my siblings. It was a tense showdown between my brother and me. I ended up winning from the four defuses that I've hoarded. Have you guys played "Exploding kittens"? It's for free in the apps store I think. #notsponsored 

Kinda wished that there was a program that could calculate what muscles in your body that you have worked. That will really help me with what I need to work on. But then again another side of me just wants to sleep and stay in bed all day.

My parents think I'm playing when ever I'm on my phone or the computer. Sure, look at all these lines of text, sure I'm playing. I wish I could play games abut I don't have enough time nowadays and there isn't that many good games that kill only a short period of time. Most games I play the matches can take from anywhere between 20 minutes to over an hours every match. It may vary depending what mode I'm playing. For example campaign or TDM (Team Death Match).

That's all I've gotta say for now. I'll see ya all in the next chapter.

Tao


	13. Entry.13 27th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A good day finally. It's like not being called slurs or looked the wrong way in the streets. Gym, pizza and friends *whoop*!

Today was a good day surprisingly!

The gym was open FINALLY! *cheering* Instead of doing loads different exercises once, I've decided to do a selected bunch, that targets the areas I want to work on, in sets. I think that is the better way of doing it, I don't really know to be honest. If you have any ideas please drop a comment. Also hot people in the gym, warning hot people! I think more people are going to be there after New Years as people's resolutions are going to be "workout more", "get the perfect body" or "be healthy". Something along those lines.

After coming home it was lunch time so and nobody knows what to eat. Me listening to my tastebuds and cravings, wanted some pizza. Dominos specifically. I asked mum and she said yes, she usually says no. I went outside and brought it home. A couple was there and they looked weirdly at me.

I ended up saying on the empty pavement "f*ck off, this is for my family" and " shut up, I'm not gonna eat this all by myself". A fourth wall break of this world if it's a simulation. Enjoy a existential crisis, I've got plenty from attending philosophy club. Thank you sir for making me question life and reality.

My cold is still there but its status is now: bearable. Apart from a blocked nose and the occasional hacking cough. I'm fine.

Just as I finished eating the pizza the was banging on my front door. I opened up to find my friend. Since I haven't properly changed I decided to invite him in. We ended up chatting and he quickly changed into my comfy clothing, his parents wouldn't allow him to wear certain clothes outside today. My parents allow me to wear whatever I want, apart from special occasions (family gatherings/ weddings etc.). I just have to report back to them everything I've done, where I go, what I did, how much did I spend? All of that BS.

We ended up going to new look first where he bought a coat that he had been longing for ages. So he got it and it wasn't on sale unfortunately. Still expensive. We made our way to Debenhams. He was given a voucher and the shop was going to go bankrupt soon. Unfortunately, he didn't have enough to buy the perfume he wanted so he bought a necklace for his "future" girlfriend. It's actually a crush and they are friends, but it's so fricking obvious. Whenever they walk together, I'm third wheeling!

Next was Primark where I got my boxers. I was getting fed up of wearing shorts. These wear like briefs but a tiny bit longer. Which was no help. So I went full out an got boxers. I might try out some trunks but the boxers were cheaper. And holy hell they are comfy! I couldn't choose between the designs and colour so I got plain ones in different shades. My friend got pissed because I was spending ages trying to find one that I liked. To be honest, this was my first time choosing underwear because my mum just chooses for me instead and I say if it's acceptable or not. My friend got handed the men's card while I got boys... I'm older than him...

He bought a rash guard in a different shop and we headed to a bar. It was closed unfortunately so we headed to a cafe. I got hot chocolate while he got a cold drink. I also got a brownie which I later gave to my little sister.

He crashed at my place until he got his ride. He stripped his top off while I kept my vest on. I put on my boxers and showed him how I looked and then the rest of my family. My brother said that I looked like I was wearing shorts. Lolol. I share my room and he could tell who's is who's by looking at the contents of the closets. He preferred my style.

So yeah. I was in my room in a vest that doubled as a tank top and wearing my boxers, while my friend was topless. The door was locked and we were just chillin'. Nothing suspicious I swear. Just as he was about to leave he had a got at the pull-up/ chin-up bar that was installed into the door frame. He managed to do one and I was proud if him. He doesn't train while I do.

After he left nothing eventful happened apart from me texting him and others on my phone. Sent a few memes and shared a picture of the new cap I've got. It's perfect for winters. It's a cap but with fluff so you can keep your head warm.

Stay cosy, you guys.

Tao


	14. Entry.14 28th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: a rant about my friend. That makes me sound like a sh*tty friend now... welp we all gotta argue one day.

Not much to report on today...

Well my arms ache from gym. Which is good and bad. I'm used to it so I'll just keep on going with my routine.   
  
I was helping my friend with his workout routine. But he ended up getting mad at me for giving him pointers and reminding him only once. Like sheesh, no need to get so riled up when I'm just trying to help you.

So like a normal friend you apologise. Which I did. And I sent some funny gifs and memes to cheer him up. He kept leaving me on read, I got frustrated and asked him if he was alright, if he was mad at me. Then he said he no longer cares. Which I took the wrong way so I said sorry again. At the same time he says he's over it. Then he says he's starting to get angry again. What for? Just accept my apologies, forgive and let's both move on together.

I swear what ever I do makes him upset. I can't even spew whatever comes to my head now. I have to carefully pick out what to say, make sure he can't blackmail me in the future as well as not offending him. He gets offended that I can lift heavier than him, or do more reps at what ever exercise than him. The thing is, I've been training longer than he has. He knows that, yet he still gets upset... it's just BS.

I don't even understand people nowadays. Maybe I should get back to what I used to do. Having no friends what so ever. Less people to please. Less loneliness too. My one sided relationships are just impending tragedies.

My dad has caught a horrible cold. So everyone is ill and our medicine supply is being deplenished fast.

I'm loving my new boxers, they are soooo soft. And they don't irritate me as much as my previous underwear. As much as I like boxers I need to go and try out what trunks feel like before making any permanent decisions of what underwear I'm going to wear.

That's all for today. See ya all in the next chapter.

Tao


	15. Entry.15 29th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am confusion. I'm broke and a big dreamer. Too many things I want/ do. Too little time and resources to reach it.

Mixed signals. Mixed signals everywhere!!!

I've been trying to get things straight with my friend. But the messages he's been sending me back are so mixed. The subjects keep changing. He doesn't answer my questions so I'm just left there. I don't press just incase he gets upset. I'm so done...

While my other friend has finished watching episode 11 of She-Ra. I didn't warn him and he ended up crying all the ways through, RIP my boi. The last episodes were painful. At least when he finished we can fan over the show as much as we like and other people can't join our conversation. Lolol. I ain't putting spoilers in this chapter!

Throughout the entire day I've been ogling at semi-permanent tattoos. TBH I love them but I kinda wish there was a longer option. Like a few months to nearly a year? That would nice. Although inkbox's ones that last from 8-18 days are good enough when you want to try them out. #notsponcered but I wish I was (I'm broke okay!). I want a tattoo but it's frowned upon. WHY!?!?! D:  
I legit spent my entire day designing custom ones. Then I realised that they are all around $30... great... I'm broke, they don't last that long... *sigh* Why...

Talking about money. I need to got buy some clothes for my taster day and prom... I've got around £50 in cash. That's enough to buy me a blazer. The shirt, trousers I have. I need shoes, a tie and maybe a waistcoat. I'm seriously in need of money. I need to go find ways to earn money.

I forgot to add in yesterday's chapter. During work I had a coughing fit. One of my colleagues asked if I was okay while the other colleague told me to die quietly. There are two main types of people in this world...  
Btw I don't edit the older chapters unless it's for grammar, punctuation and things that don't make sense. So now I can look back and cringe at my past like I usually do lolol.

Was in the gym today, like usual, when I nearly finished my session a man walked in and I noticed that he seemed very familiar! He was the colleague working yesterday. I chatted to him while I was resting and found out that he haven't been in the gym in ages. No wonder I don't see him around.

I decided it was finally time for me to make a start on my holiday homework. I collected everything and counted up what I had to do.  
I've got 4 essays, 8 pages of questions, 2 presentations and a entire subject's of flash cards to do. These were all ordered by the teachers so I have no choice. I bet that there are people who are not going to do them. I bet.

That's all for today. I need to stop procrastinating.

Tao


	16. Entry.16 30th December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suprise plans which results in a disgruntled/ smad me. Missed gym so I improvised and a flex off with dad. I'm missing my martial arts. They're closed for the holidays. T-T

It's New Year's Eve Eve.

And guess who has a headache? Me. I was too busy reading last night that I didn't realise it hit two in the morning. I went to sleep and decided to wake up a little bit later so I have enough sleep. That was a f*cking lie. Mum dragged everyone out of bed early today because she arranged a plan without telling us. I would of gone to bed earlier. Good bye my sleep and my gym session.

After a series of visits to certain places. Mum went to buy some supplies, we were running out of tissue paper in the toilet. She said that we could stay in the car. But my siblings decided to all get out. I wanted to stay so I can close my eyes for a while. I had a banging headache, but no. It was either all in or all out. The good outcome was that I managed to convince mum to buy us some festive chocolates. They were on sale so why the hell not.

My friend gave access to his account so I can take care of some of his followers when he is offline. So I'm co owning his account when he's asleep/ I'm up late. I fell honoured but I also have other account to manage. I was planning on making a (martial arts) meme account but never mind. I've also got this, updating daily. And my different ways of texting and chatting with my other friends.

During the talks. I was trying to boost their confidence and hype them up by giving them loads of compliments... If a stranger didn't know us they would think otherwise. I looked back at what I've sent and they looked a lot like flirting... I swear brother I didn't mean it that way!!! Also puns, really bad ones. One that I love using depends on what the person says and you respond with "guess I'm cooler/ hotter than you!".

Since there was no gym session today I decided to do some body weight exercises that I used to do. I did them daily as I had no access to the gym back then (a year and two ago). Comment if you want to know. It's really easy and for beginners. I gave it to my friend when he first started training and after a few weeks he was ready to bump up the intensity.

I decided to show dad my gains and be both flexed at each other. He beat me obviously and then continued to tease my smaller guns. He's been training wayyy longer than me. I'm just a small growing child... although I don't drink or eat and supplements. And I don't regulate my diet. So, yeah...

See you guys in the next round.

Tao


	17. Entry.17 31st December 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year's Eve, as predicted busy AF. Typing this up and posting it in the last minutes of the year.  
> Happy New Year too!

It's New Year's Eve but who cares. So *inhale* HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!  
*popping party poppers and throwing confetti*

My friends are being confined so I can't contact them right now. Although I did managed to finished an entire conversation in Chinese with about her friend. It was a bit weird, I was swirling from conversations to conversations and languages too. Sometimes we chat in English sometimes in Chinese. I accidentally spoke to my friends in Chinese and then apologised and maybe translated. Sometimes I leave them to wonder. Lolol, I'm evil like that.

It's really useful to have private conversations like that. Just speak in a different language that other people don't know. Me and my friends do that in French and German as well. But we're not that fluent in it to be honest.

Went to the gym today like usual. Unfortunately the gym is closed tomorrow. I'll just have to do some body weight exercises at home instead. I'm so glad we've got a bar installed in one of the door frames. At least I can do some pull-ups too.  
I bet after today the gyms are gonna be really busy then die down over the days. I really do hope some girls come. It's pretty boring with just guys around.

I got to clean the entire house today... while everyone was eating homemade Korean BBQ. I couldn't feed myself as my hands were dirty and I was in the middle of tidying. At least after I finished I was allowed to eat to my fill. Well to when there is no more that is. Had two entire plates full of meat to myself. Enough to rival my brother (he's an absolute unit XD) and beat my dad. When it comes to meat I eat a hella lot. Lolol.

Is it just me or after you exercise, any activity you do you feel your muscle contract and relax. But before you exercise you don't feel these. Interesting and weird at the same time.

Been reading some tweets from the She-Ra creators. Mainly exchanges between Rian and Noelle. I want the next season but I am also scared. Who else is???

Work was busy as hell and we were all running around like the hell hounds were released on us. At least we did a more successful job than last year. Messy and stressful. Orders piled on top of each other. A special shoutout to any annoying/ rude/ stupid customers especially the one at nine. F*ck you, you placed the order for two hours and you phone up an hour later asking where the food is when it's still got one hour to go.

I'm finally in bed and typing this up. Can't be asked to change into my pyjamas so I just stripped down to my boxers and vest. My parents won't approve but who cares. At least I'm not naked.

See you guys next year.

Tao


	18. Entry.18 1st January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A start of something new. I'm planning on putting this on wattpad and maybe tumblr. Tumblr is going to be for later. The username is going to be the same. Happy new year, if I didn't catch ya.

Well, New Year was a busy day at work. We didn't have enough staff as yesterday so everyone was internally screaming. Even people who could cope with a humongous amount of stress were feeling so good/ getting a headache. I'm so mad that it made me miss jiujitsu!

Also, thank you to all those nice and understanding customers that didn't mind the delay. And no thank you to the rude ones during the rush. Especially that one man I served, who scoffed when I told him that delivery was going to be over an hour. It's busy and we can't make your meal in a flash! Can't he even hear the yelling and clattering behind me? Well every other customer on the phone can.

You all think I went to the gym like a bunch a new year resolution-ers? Welp, you got that wrong! The gym was closed. I was sad. Wanted to lift some more weights, my biceps are coming on. You can't do this to me. At least there aren't any special timings anymore. I'm trying to get my friends to come along but I don't think it's working. After all they all live far away, which suck balls.

I have a guy who I'm good aquatint an essay with and we help each other out. Whether it school work or tips when working out. I was getting worried that the muscles on my non-dominant arm was a little bit smaller than the ones on my dominant hand. He told me it was normal and then I tried to get him to come along to gym. When lifting weights I'm usually there hyping him up and he's there giving me tips.

I made a start on my homework *yay*. I've managed to finish five pages of questions. Three more to go and all the others not included. I need to get everything done in five days. Oh sweet mother, the essays are going to be the end of me. No, the two presentations are, they are both in different languages! I just don't wanna do any of it. But I have a bad habit of procrastination. T-T

And it's the start of the year... and the start of the dreaded auntie visit. It's baby shark do do doo do!  
*painful groan* Putting pads in boxers are hard. I managed it in the end. I'm running it of supplies so I might go into town and buy some. I might try out tampons. Not looking forward to this week of the red Nigeria falls, especially when I'm doing strenuous activities.

See you all next time.

Tao


	19. Entry.19 2nd January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things didn't go as expected. In a good way.

Today was wayyy different than what I thought it would be like.

The second day of the year and the sports centre was finally open. My brother and I rented out a court to play badminton. The next court had my maths teacher with a friend. I was glad that they finished their session as we were beginning ours.

The gym was busier obviously. This is probably due to the bunch of New Years resolution-ers. The annoying thing was that everyone was at the same station when I was. I had to skip a few until they walked away. Some of them just stood there with the equipment and chatted. I got impatient and just asked when they were done with it.

Came home and was greeted by mum telling me off for not washing the few plates in the sink. I'd rather wash them when there is more than just three plates. After setting the table and dishing out the food I checked my phone for a notification and there was a text. I nearly had an heart attack reading it. He said that he was going to be at my doorstep in less than half an hour.

I quickly ate and mum made me wash the plates. There was knocking on the door. I opened it to find Jehovah's witnesses there. Mum kindly rejected them and closed the door. Only for some knocking a few minutes later. Who happened to be my friend. Mum told me that I can stop washing but, I ignored her as I was nearly finished.

We went into town and bought some stuff, he put his in my rucksack. Which was fine by me (he forgot it was in there later on). I got some workout gloves, which I can wear anytime. It's leather and fingerless OwO! Absolute beauty. I love it. We then had a serious chat. Which ended up in a confession.

We are now dating?

Second day of the year and I got my first boyfriend. I also came out to a close friend too. He took it really well, thank god. He told me to be free Lolol XD. I did warn him that I'm so far back in the closet, that if a school shooter came he wouldn't be able to find me.

Now I just have to break it to my friends that I'm dating my best friend... I really didn't expect this.  
I guess my crush on the other girl is gone.

Also working while having major cramps is painful. A hot water bottle helped, but the special medicine (mum made) gave me a headache.

Life is going great so far. I'll see you guys in the next chapter.

Tao


	20. Entry.20 3rd January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A jealous dad, my refereeing in a flex off and the impending doom of school.

Three more days to go before the term starts... I've only got one essay completed... I'm gonna tackle the 12 marker and 18 marker tomorrow. I hate essays.

Dad was grumbling about how I'm never at home now. It's because I go to the gym every day for one and a half hours then I'm home for the rest of the day. He also accidentally pulled a muscle lifting stuff again. Goddamn it! You lift with your legs, not your back!!!

Talking about gym. I was doing some clapping push-ups mixed with burpees and a guy walked past me. I couldn't see him as I was too busy focusing on not-smashing my-face-into-the-ground-after-clapping. He said "damn gurl" and I dunno if I should of been offended/ disgusted or take it as a compliment. I told my boyfriend and he said he was about to murder the guy. I had to calm him down. I needed him to be with me and not in jail.

There was a flex off between two guys in the gym today. I was the judge (I actually wanted to join in). One guy had bigger biceps and triceps than the other guy who had more defined shoulders. The first guy won and he said "Hey Tao, I know you got my back,". That could of gone two ways. I was wearing my jiujitsu shirt, I do BJJ and judo. That could of meant completely different things in my dictionary. Either "you are safe" or "you are in danger".

I told my brother later on and he laughed. He laughed even harder when I said "What were they trying to do? Seduce me?" Lolol. Thinking back to it. I didn't really feel anything. Apart from 'teach me your ways to lift' and 'I want to have muscles like you, gimme'.

I came home and dad asked me to help him with opening some packets. I did but miscalculated and accidentally used too much strength. Ripping the baggage and spilling the contents everywhere. Dad just looked at the floor then me and sighed. I said "this is my life, a mess,". My brother walked in and said "mood,".

For lunch I was greeted with pizza. Well I guess all my hard work was cancelled out. I love pizza, but I also want to impress my boyfriend... ah never-mind, you gotta treat yourself every so now and then don't ya?

I called him later on. He was wearing a shirt he bought some time ago and he has finally grown into it. He said he looked like a twink. It's funny cause. We both swing more than one way. He looks like a twink and he leans more towards guys. I've been described as a butch and I lean more towards girls. And we are dating each other. Lolol. And to anyone I'm not out to, I'm just a tomboy.

Hopefully I can go to the gym with him tomorrow. All he wants to do was just hang around in town and go shopping for clothes. Which is fine by me. It's just that going to the gym alone is... well, lonely. And after him I'm going to 'bump' into an old friend in town. She's with a girl and I wanna know who!

That all for now, my cold is going too whoo! Seems like my life is finally rolling... apart from my school work.

*painful groans*

Tao


	21. Entry.21 4th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A not so lonely gym session, progress and internal conflicts.

Busted... on the secret date.

Except I'm not that busted. So we carried on like usual. I did tell mum that I was going out to the gym with a friend and might stay for a while longer. My brother opened the door to my BF. In his dictionary it's best friend. In mine it's boyfriend (Lolol ). He called for me and I exited the house with him.

We had a gym session together. I taught him how to use some weight and dumbbells. He hasn't been in the gym in ages so he was just enjoying the view as I was lifting and showing him how to lift. It was nice of him to hype me up for some of the heavy weights. I thought that he wouldn't like it as he just wanted to hang around in town. You won't believe how relieved I was when he said that he enjoyed it. Or he just enjoyed me flexing at him...

We went into town later after changing. Got what he wanted and decent food. Shared it, it was my treat. The cashier looked so confused. He just looked back at me and my boyfriend before deciding to give up. We went to the park and sat on our rucksacks and ate. I eventually gave up and took off my jacket and laid it down so we both can sit on it. The fur on the inside made it more comfy.

At one part he yelped saying that there was a spider. I immediately reached over to get rid of it. If we weren't outside I would of killed it. At least he was okay, cuddled him a bit to calm him down.

And then the most cliche thing happened. My dad phoned while we were together making us immediately jump away from each other. God damn it, we were just getting the hang of it and you just had to call! Anyway, busted for sneaking out with my "friend". Had to go home. But not after I seen my boyfriend off.

Later on mum said there was a sale of chocolates. She wanted to et some and I wanted to buy some new shampoo. So we got that done, I carried everything. Nine boxes of chocolates and three bottles of shampoo. I had to stop mum before she bought too much. As we got home dad had a taste and then announced that tomorrow I was to go outside and buy twelve more!!! I feel like they are trying to tempt me while I'm trying to stay fit.

My boss was concerned for me as I wasn't working as fast as usual and was in a somewhat daze. Maybe that's cause I couldn't get my boyfriend out of my head. Goddamn I want him right beside me. I wanna hug him... I miss him already. At least I get to see him at school. I want to push him up against a wall for the love of God. I just keep holding myself back because I don't want to rush and scare him off. Goddamn these two sides of me. One wants to cuddle and kiss while the other wants to trap him between me and something and then make out. *internal conflict and confused screaming*

I managed to complete all the questions I've been set. Now to finish two essays, presentations... help.

Drowning in work.

Tao


	22. Entry.22 5th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in advance as today wasn't a good day. I've been listening to "Something just like this" and now it's just stuck in my head.

One day left of the holiday... and then school hits.   
I am looking forward to it and also not looking forward to it. The only reason I'm looking forward to it is because of seeing my boyfriend and friends. The reason I'm not looking forward is that I've got three more essays to do by Monday, a whole piece to learn in piano in a few days. Also gym very early in the morning now instead of the usual 10:00 am onwards.

I woke up a little bit later than usual today because of late nights texts with my BF. Absolutely love him. Got a bit worried about him but it was all resolved in the end. We've also laid down some ground rules just to make sure we don't cross the boundaries.

Mum got my brother to walk with me to the gym because he was staying at home for too long... maybe if she got us to be more social rather than lock us in the house we would be more willing to go outside. I'm literally like a hermit unless a friend is in town and I'm invited. Which I'm usually not because no one remembers me in anything apart from my close friends.   
Some even forgot my birthday, it would cheer me up on the day because. I hate my birthday. I dunno why, it's just been that way for sometime and I've forgotten the reason behind it.

Been feeling a bit down today. This morning was fine apart from my sleepiness ruining my concentration. Came home to mostly eaten BBQ. I was a bit upset at first but then was just grateful they decided to leave something out for me. I don't want to make myself a half-assed sandwich. Which wouldn't taste good or fill me up.

Had a kind of depressive episode. It's funny how I'm surrounded by people yet I feel so lonely. I really miss the people who make me feel like I exist. People who don't make me feel lonely (loneliness hurts). I texted my boyfriend and he replied with the sweetest things. He... said that I was attractive! I still don't understand how people put up with me. I'm ugly. Well that's what people told me all the time it's been engrained into me. I always avoid the mirror. It makes me self conscious and if I do see myself I just see disgusting my face is. How does he find my face and the rest of me attractive? I've never seen...

Even though he texted me those things, I want to hear his say it to me in person. I want to go and hug and kiss him so much. Whenever we separate, I get sad. I miss him. I hope when we are in school I we can go somewhere quiet and cuddle. I've been thinking of different ways to come out to my friends but I'm scared of one of my closest ones. I'm afraid that he wouldn't approve of us. I don't want to lose him either, he's one I turn to when I can't turn to anyone else.

Anyway, moving on. Work was hell. I got yelled at and I wasn't allowed to leave even when my time was up. I wanted to get back to my school work as soon as possible and finish them off. I'm going to have to power through 3 of them somehow tomorrow. I've got a BJJ class and a morning and evening shift. In that order. I guess I have to sleep early.

Dad told me to do my homework which was what I was doing anyway. At one point I couldn't be bothered so I started to fiddle with my brothers infect computer and fixed it. Now it works perfectly fine. The keyboard is messed up so I'm planning on cleaning that. If that doesn't help I have other ways of fixing it. The last method is to buy a new one and then install it.

A shout out to the lady that came into the gym today. Despite your condition you are doing amazing! I was looking at you because I wanted to help you with some of the equipment in the gym today. But you managed you Kudos to you!

Hopefully I'm not dead by daylight.

Tao


	23. Entry.23 6th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm dreading school tomorrow and I spent ages doing essays, only to find out that I don't have the lesson tomorrow!!! *painful groan*   
> It's the end of the holidays and a lot has happened during it. I'm actually happy with it for once.

Last day of rest, gone. School starts tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to the lessons.

I've spent most of the day finishing off essays. I've managed to do four essays in two days. Squeezing it in with all the other work I had to do was hard. I was panicking about the last one to find out that the aren't due in tomorrow... what a waste of stress and pressure. But I need to get it done by tomorrow anyway.

My other best friend is onto me and my boyfriend. We are all friends but he likes to know and he makes some darn good guesses. I managed to throw him off track with my skill (being misunderstood). It was effective as he shut up. We are planning on revealing our relationship tomorrow to him and another friend. I nearly had another heart attack when he asked me the question.

Gonna wake up early tomorrow so I can squeeze in a morning gym session before school starts. I've planned out the breakfast and all my bags are packed. My clothes are laid out on the chair so I'm raring to go when I wake up.

I had a dream of me and my boyfriend last night. I was a servant/ worker under the government and monarchy. The prince who happens to be my boyfriend, no one knows about our relationship. I've been sent on May missions, some espionage, spying, gathering information and even assassinations. One part I had to glide over the sea in a storm with a wing suit to be picked up. Once I reached base the prince was there with a warm towel and towelled me off. He then took off my wet clothing and check over to make sure I didn't have any new scars to the accumulating map I had on my skin. It was pretty sweet of him.

I've forgot that I also have a Karate training tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that too. This holiday was very eventful, more than anyother year I've had. Mum said that I was finally getting a social life, Lolol. Even if it's just one friend that keeps coaxing me to come out of my room.

That's all for tonight, I need to sleep early if I want to wake up in time.

Have a good one!

Tao


	24. Entry.24 7th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day back and things are pretty whack. Told my friends that they are now the third wheelers. RIP them whenever we are together.

First day back at school and it went better than I expected.

My friends were chill about me dating my boyfriend who is also my best friend. They weren't surprised. One of them said it was because I was the only one that gave him a nickname. I was too embarrassed to tell her the reason reason I gave home the nickname. It was from a video game character... I liked the game very much and so did he. Then the other friend said that no one likes her and she would be forever alone. I couldn't tell her in front of my boyfriend, who happens to be her close friend, that I used to have a crush on her. She was also the last crush I had before I started dating. Oops.

We had a opening of the term service and the funny thing was, everyone was supposed to sing but nobody did and the song was so painfully long. Only the teachers were singing out of pity Lolol. I did sing the songs I knew and I nearly cracked when the person accidentally played the wrong key. This resulted my voice to change into the wrong key and I had to stop and start again while trying not to laugh at myself. I've gained a few funny looks...

I have a taster day tomorrow and I've only got the news today. Unfortunately I hadn't had the time to prepare so I quickly rummaged through my closet to find anything. I then gave up because I'm not good with clothes. Mum decided to help me which was one of the worst decisions I've allowed. I honestly felt so attacked and afraid. She tried to stuff me in dresses and skirts, leggings with shorts and eye bleeding painful coloured clothes.  
I had to fight for my right to wear trousers and gender neutral clothes. If I had a blazer and tie I would of worn that. But I wasn't prepared. I guess I'll save those for prom. Mum also ended trashing my closet which I've sent so long tidying it up.

On the way to the service I spotted something in a window. I felt my heart drop and I took another look. My best friend asked me what was wrong and I told him that I thought that I saw a noose through the window but it was only just a loop of rope. He looked and was shocked too even with the warning. I was so scared.

Ever played DDLC? Or Doki Doki literature club? The deaths of the characters affected me pretty badly. I once had a depressive episode and I don't want anyone to suffer. Sayori's suicide hit me the most hardest. When the scene came up I ripped the headphones away from my head, turned away from the screen and doubled over, holding myself as I was in shock. After that I braced myself for ones that came after but, it still hurts. It hurts!

An acquaintance was in the gym this morning. Early like me. He was going to do some barbell curls but when he lifted the bar, all the plates fell off! It seemed to be his first time lifting weights and he was very embarrassed. Poor him! I lowered my dumbbells and went over to help him secure them in place. My little sister made a comment when she accidentally looked at me while I was changing. She said that my "two pack" had evolved into a "four pack" Lolol. Glad to see my abs coming back.

Gotta hit the bed early so I can get up again tomorrow.

See you all next time!

Tao


	25. Entry.25 8th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chaos ensues... in most of my friends perspective. A lot of things happened today so a longer chapter too. *cheering*

Taster day... at least I didn't get anymore homework.

I managed to finish off the long due essay. I had to redo it as I realised that I wasn't answering the damn question! At least it's done and out of the way. I have to focus on my last few mocks now.

The taster day itself wasn't that bad apart from the further maths on which went through one ear and out the next. Cooking was fun and I was going to share it with my friends but, everyone took it the wrong way when I said "I've been saving it for you". They assumed it was just for my boyfriend. I corrected them but they politely refused it in the end. I'm also doing cooking tomorrow too. I think we are going to cook some main dishes instead of desserts like we did today.

I got a few compliments for my clothing so I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Although a certain someone kept harassing me to wear a skirt. I got the jitters when she whispered in my ear that she had a picture of me wearing a school skirt. WhEn DiD sHe TaKe tHe PiCtURe WhEn I wAsN't LoOkiNG!?!? Some people told me that the jumper was okay but it could of been better. Which I agreed but it was the only jumper that I had which fit me. The rest had sleeves which don't fit my arms, Lolol.

At one part the room I was in had only six people including me. And consistent of all guys. We were talking about what happens in the A level when we kinda strayed and ended focusing on a board near the door. We needed up looking at all the pictures pinned on it and laughed at a few. One of it had a teacher's face with a caption which made it into a meme. Sir just sighed and said  
"yeah, we need to take down the memes,". There was looks of shock and sharp inhales all around. I accidentally blurted out.  
"No, not the meme board!" I hope he keeps it. I love seeing new homemade memes.

At the very last taster lesson more than half of the class were very late, including the teacher (*tutting* naughty, naughty). And me and my friends sat on a table together, which ended up with loads of banter and laughs. Some other people told us to be quite and I just looked at him straight in the eye and slowly smiled. It creeped him out and he didn't bother us again. At one part my friend said  
"But what is she was pan?" The other friend didn't know so she just nodded and pretended she was listening. I agreed with my friend and when she looked over at me I just winked back. We somehow ended up laughing again.

Judo is finally an official club at school WHOOP!!! It was fun today and I was glad that another person has joined. Sensei accidentally misgendered my friend and there was just silence as I said "him". He was confused and asked if I had a question. I just stared at him with a completely serious face (usually I have a cheerful/ mischievous smile) and said in controlled voice "him, he is a boy,". And at least we've got that issue sorted out. I realised before I spoke out for him he was getting more and more unhappy.  
My boyfriend, who was there, said that he was glad that there were people who would be accepting and stand up for each other.  
He then confessed that he's been holding back at school and then I confessed that I was holding back too, even when we are alone together. I also told him that I don't hold back during training which is why I managed to floor the bigger boys at judo today. Lolol. One guy tried to use raw strength so I decided to play along and pushed him back with pure strength. He was decked easily.

Back at home I weighed myself when mum was chatting to a friend who was there. Mum asked for my weight and I told her. It was decent like usual for a few years. Got healthy weight. But mum said I was a fatty. I just pulled back my sleeve and flexed and she immediately took her words back. Her friend started laughing saying how the daughter of the house had muscles while the sons don't. Later on my brother asked for me to lift my shirt so he could see my stomach. So I did and he asked if I can clench them, which I could and did. He then said to my other brother how I just have a faint outline of abs. Then poked it, the shock on his face was marvellous. He then just traced out my abs and counted them, his answer "Wow, you've got a six pack under this,". I need to get rid of a little bit more fat before it's more defined but, I hate cardio...

I'm gonna hit the bed now, and get to my boyfriend early tomorrow so I can give him my swimming trunks. He couldn't  find his so he is borrowing mine for now.

Tao, over and out!


	26. Entry.26 9th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Random plans that probably won't happen, a little rant in the middle somewhere and an awkward situation that happened.

There was an entire class panic today in the first period. Sir announced that we still had one more mock, which was the one with the presentations, and it was on Friday. Great, just great. :'(   
So here I am, trying to memorise the presentation while multitasking.

What really socks me in the gut was that I was one mark off the next grade. I really need it because it will help my parents into not killing me. They are going to be so mad at me. People are saying I did good, but not good enough!!! It really ticks me off. I just need that one mark and I couldn't weasel one out of my teachers because they just wouldn't even look at it.

If you don't hear anything, assume that I'm dead until I give a signal. I joked with my friend about running away and he asked if he can join me Lolol. "Let's run away into the sunset together!" I've already got a few places where I can hide out for a while. My friends are a big life saver. My boyfriend sent me ideas for a future apartment we are going to share. That was really a sweet of him, I just wanna pop over and hug him.

I was trying to find a new smart phone to get. I'm on a budget which sucks. But I'm willing to go over if it's worth it. And I don't care if it isn't a iPhone. Sometimes I think that Apple is a bit/ low-key overrated. Been looking at the One-plus phones, my friend recommended me a Samsung. Either way I'm still looking. So yeah. I might as well try to earn some money. Maybe start a kickstarter and put my programming skills to use or start a patreon. I can draw and write ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯. It's really undecided. I might just try and secretly save up.

A very funny and awkward situation happened today. Me and my boyfriend bumped into another friend today. They ruffled each other's hair (something they do all the time) while talking a guy that he liked (he's gay). My boyfriend offered some advice to him. Them he got pulled into a hug by other gay. So I was standing there, not knowing what to do. Getting jealous and (mainly) feeling left out. My friend just looked at me and said "how does it feel to be third wheeling Tao?". They broke apart and my boyfriend looked at me then back at him. He didn't know what to say as we haven't told him about our relationship. I just said "No, no, no, let's get going, I've got a meeting to get to. See you at lunch!" And motioned him to follow. We were nearly late.

Had a cooking class today. When I walked in I could just see the surprise on people's faces and, the delight on my friends. There was only three of them. Just judging stares as I put on an apron and washed my hands. I was only there because I wanted to learn how to cook more things than just an English breakfast or rice/ noodles. Variety is the spice of life as they say! My boyfriend told me not to set the place on fire while the rest of my friends told me to stay away from the knives... come on! I've cooked before and it's been perfectly fine! *muttering under breath* Just because I like and play with fire and knives. And that was ages ago!

In the end I managed to do just fine. I even helped out my friends who were struggling with their cutting and frying. At the end I tidied up and they just looked at me with disbelief. I worked in a kitchen before. I know how to clean as well! Just because I prefer masculine stuff doesn't mean I'm a brute. I like other stuff such as reading, birdwatching, chess, writing stories, drawing etc. I can also cook, sew, do the housework, look after children etc. Sorry I'm rambling now, it just frustrates me sometimes when everyone stereotypes others. There is so much you don't know. So please don't jump to conclusions.

To be honest all I wanted to do today was to lazy in bed or play video games. I'm in the mood for a FPS (first person shooter) or LOL (league of legends). I just wanna go and thrash some people online. I miss playing games. Now I just have to suffice with the crappy phone which I have right now. I might try out brawl stars, my brothers are playing it and it reminds me a lot of LOL. Especially the bear kid, they remind me of Annie from LOL.

On the way home I encountered an old teacher. We just chatted as we walked together. She was going to get her car from the garage, her tire was punctured and I had a feeling it wasn't on purpose. But if anyone did, I'm not going to be happy with them. She is one of the nicest teachers and her lessons are always fun. Too back that she doesn't teach much now. She really helped me with my music theory. I just struggled tonight on it. Doing grade four on the chapter 'intervals'. I need to get a grade five so I can carry on with my piano.

Help, why do I do so many things...

Tao


	27. Entry.27 10th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not much today, mainly stressed about tomorrow and the things that are going on. Friday's are the most hectic.

I used today pretty well I think. I did spend the majority of it memorising and reciting my presentation. I've only managed to get three quarters of it down. If I speak very slowly then I can make the timings. I'm more stressed about the role plays and general questions. I've asked people what it was like after they came out of the exam room. I had some mixed experiences so I'm just going to go with the worst and hope for the best.

I'm a bit pissed at the PE options. There was only badminton for a week and they discontinued it. WTF!!! Loads of people liked it and actually put in effort. Plus I wanna try out my new racquet against some other people. I've just tried it out at ten after school club today and it was so much better than using the school equipment. Oh well, I'm going to do basketball with a bunch of other guys. Let's not get a foul within the first three seconds like last time. :3   
The reason why I got sent off was because I was too rough with my tackling.

Double German gave me an opportunity to revise the presentation and listen to my best friends rant. It was a very long one but it was interesting. He was mainly talking about politics and history. I've learnt a few mere things thanks to him. Apparently people feel sorry for me because I have to listen to all his rants, I'm actually fine with it and if there was any problems I could solve. I would.

My weekend is going to be walking around the house muttering German under my breath. I legit had no time to myself apart from stolen moments that go by fleetingly. That sounded awfully poetic... meh.

That's all for now. I'm going to zonk out, see you all next time.

Tao


	28. Entry.28 11th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Messy day with a sprinkle of stress. And pretty gay too.

A hectic day was today.   
I managed to arrange everything and see it through to the end. Piano lesson clashing with a modern foreign language mock, gym in the morning and basketball in the evening and time with my friends and BF.   
Mainly it was the piano lesson which was a pain. I've been focusing so much on my mocks that I neglected some practice time. At least I told the truth to sir and he let me off. Then I had to make some arrangements to make sure I can get all the catch up work of the missed lesson. I missed two today because of the mock. Half of the things I learn at school I just self teach myself back at home otherwise it wouldn't make sense. Funny thing was that my BF had a clash too and had to go and sort that out.

At lunch we bumped into some other friends. We kinda just faffed around. While my boyfriend was holding hands and ruffling a friend's hair, I was chasing another friend around the group. He was calling me a perv because I poke him (mainly in the stomach area because he has abs and he's shown me before) and yelling for his girlfriend, who is also my friend, to help him. She cheered me on instead. Take that! Bros before hoes!

I listened to another friends rant in the changing rooms. People wanted to know what was going on as they don't understand Chinese. I couldn't tell them because the ranter told me not to. I over heard my friend, the girlfriend of the one I was chasing around, talking about how she used to have abs. I joined in relating to it and we've both agreed to get it back.

Basketball was fun. I was put into a team without any of my friends. There was at least two of them per group, I guess I was just unlucky. At one part during the first quarter of the lesson. The opposition was a man down so we had to send a player off our team. Everyone just looked at me. One guy piped up said "To be fair Tao, you've like fouled seven or more times,"... I was the main attacker. I am the person that gets the ball off the opposition. It's not my fault that the person moves their arms when my hand comes slamming down to snatch the ball. I managed to tackle quite a few times successfully. More than anyone on the team. So I get sent off? Their loss I guess. Also me being small gets pushed and run over a lot. But then again, being small and able to run fast can be very useful tackling and escaping with the ball.

There was another couple who are just my friends dating each other. The girlfriend came over to me and just hugged me saying I was so cute. Me being short and having small feet and hands. The boyfriend didn't care because we are all friends and I've known them for a few years. Then I jokingly nearly said "Hey, you better watch out before I steal your girlfriend" but quickly changed "I" to "someone" otherwise I would of accidentally outed myself. Oops.

Before school ended I was mouthing "gay panic" to another one of my friend, who I have outed to, after she got my message of 'Help'. She looked back at me and said same. I don't think we were on the same page but, oh well. My boyfriend says that I'm so gay sometimes it's hilarious. I mean, I did tell him about the time I was doing pull-ups on a door frame to impress some girls (and guys). Also it was to prove an acquaintance wrong.

I was waiting for my boyfriend at the exit/ entrance of the campus. It was getting late to the point that I thought he had already left. At least he showed up with two of his friends after a while. I was just standing there with my arms crossed looking over at them. In the order from left to right. My boyfriend, a cutie and my old crush. My old crush looked over to my BF and just said "you are in trouble" then looked at me and apologised and gave me a hug, which was appreciated. My boyfriend just stood there not knowing what to say. I also blurted out "also a certain someone wouldn't give me a good luck hug before my exam," and proceeded to hug my old crush (and thank her because she gave me one) and glare at him. After the grilling we started walking again.

My little sister asked if I was going to the gym tomorrow. The answer is a yes. I have a rest on Sundays and plenty of homework to do. Two more mocks to go and hopefully I'm done.

I've just searched up the basketball rules and found out that I wasn't fouling at all... Why you always lying, mmm omg, stop f***ing lying!

'Till next time.

Tao


	29. Entry.29 12th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was productive today for once. Had a few arguments and remembered an old project.

Finally, I managed to get enough sleep. Not counting the part where I got yelled at for the lie-in.   
I've also finished all my homework *Yay!*. So tomorrow I'll be free. Might as well go to BJJ fundamentals before work starts.   
Plenty of conflict for a day. I'm really tired now for all of it. At least I've resolved them in the end.

This morning mum was showing me prom dresses even when I was constantly saying to her that I am not going to wear a dress to prom. She asked why and I said I don't want to because I don't like them. It was also because whenever I wear a dress or skirt I feel really uncomfortable and insecure. Mum then said she'll force me into one or I am not going. So I said that I won't go. Mum didn't really see why I wanted to wear a suit. I like suits, I'll feel comfortable in them and confident too. Which I'll need for any social event. #introverthere  
Then mum started flinging insults my way. Saying how people like me are called this slur and that. The asked me I wanted a "sex-gender" change, in short if I was trans. I said no. What has my choice of clothing have to do with my gender??? Then she said how I'll look bad and ugly in it and then more insults that I can't be bothered to translate. I just ended up picking up my stuff and walking out of the room. I just can't take it anymore.

Sent off all my work to teachers and have my music theory left. I just need to figure out if the intervals are minors/majors/augmented/diminished. I still don't know how apart from using a piano and counting the spaces.

The second conflict was a small fight with my boyfriend. It was a silly one too. But no harm done. Just gave each other some time to figure out what happened. We both apologised and made up. Lolol, I contacted my best friend because I have no experience and needed some help. At least he gave me a few pointers of how to make up to each other. It's funny how the single ones are the one giving advice.

Got yelled at work, but that's the usual, since it was busy and nobody knew what was going on.

I've remembered an old project I really wanted to do when I was younger. It was to make a ring out of a coin. While doing some research I found you can also do it with some hex nuts too. Looking at the prices and quantity... it comes in packs of 50 and 100. I really don't need that many. Just one or two. I might as well just go with the coins. I am also planning on engraving symbols onto it too. An identity and a protection symbols. I've got the design in my head. I'm gonna go and sketch it in my book soon. An engraving on the outside as well as the inside. I'm quite glad that I've done DT in the past and picked up a few skills and how to operate the machines. Apparently it's open for all, you don't have to be taking the lessons to get in. Only pay for the materials though. I'll just bring my own. After all, how much do you really need for a small ring. With the etching I might go to the art department, they might have some tools for that.

Mum told the colleagues about my jumpers and how most of the don't fit me anymore. Well the sleeves don't because of my arms. She said "Oh that's pure muscle, I don't wanna mess with you!". Mum just said it was because of my badminton and working out in the gym. She still doesn't know that I lift weights instead of doing cardio. Also mum, I think that's an indication that you should go and buy some more clothes for me. Seriously. I don't fit into the lesser ones because of my arms. I need some new T-shirts.

Bleh... that's a wrap! I'll Talcon (taco/ talk on) next time.

Tao


	30. Entry.30 13th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I typed this up earlier and have just added a few more things. Need to got to sleep early today as I have errands to run early.

I'm listening to Tokyo Bon right now, and I kinda regret it because I can't think properly. But it has a catchy tune, and I've accidently got my brother hooked onto it. Like the time I accidently got my friend completely obsessed with BTS. She has now migrated off to other K-pop groups, but I am still concerned about her.

I woke up early this morning. I also slept in the same morning much earlier on. So, I am getting hit with the massive wave of tiredness.  
Me: I'm going to be healthy  
Also, me: *cracks open a can of coke and downs it*  
So yeah, got a little caffeine boost to keep me awake of an hour or two. 

Went to BJJ as I said. It actually felt good to be back (and simulate murder, jk jk). Got a few submissions today. Mainly chokes and armbars, I specialise in chokes, everybody needs oxygen to survive! During the shower, I discovered three new bruises forming on my legs. "There is more to come, so don't get comfy," I said, lolol. My Boyfriend is going to be concerned when he sees them before realising I do martial arts (and get into a few fights at school). I created a fight club in the gym while someone else created one in the common room. Guess which one got shut down? Theirs, lolol. Rule number one: You don't talk about fight club.  
Also, it was because some guys in the year decided to put each other into the bulldog choke until they tapped out. One guy got sent to the hospital while the people involved got put into isolation. Some people just need to know their limits.

Heres some (weird) misleading things I've heard in BJJ today:  
* Come on, get on top of me.  
* Argh, That's a good squish.  
* That's a good choke, wow.  
* Oh sh*t she's in mount.

A small part on my face looks messed up. A scrape by my nose and lips. The one by my lips looks like a cut. My friends are not going to be impressed. It was because of the tussle when we are rolling (BJJ term for sparring/ combat practice), I got a shoulder ground into my face and rough Gi sleeves (like sandpaper) running across my cheeks. One time I was trying to escape from a triangle, then an armbar. The person ended giving up on wrestling with my arm and changed to a bow-and-arrow choke. The collar/ lapel of the Gi scraped across my neck creating a mark. I was teased the next few days in school about it, some people were jealous until I explained what happened to them. Seriously, are people this desperate nowadays? They aren't even old enough! (back then anyway)

Thanks to my homework which are all done. I just had to do my work shifts today, and I have some free time to myself. Whoo! Chatted with my BF and he told me to check out his edited profile. HE STRAIGHT UP DECLARED HIS LOVE FOR ME AND CALLED ME DARLING!!! He was happy with my reaction. What did I do to deserve him?!? My best friend and love. Am here I am, blushing while typing this up. I can imagine him calling me a dork right now.

He's off to his rehearsal right now. I feel sorry for him. His mum forced him to wear something ridiculous, and he is nervous as heck. "First impressions are important," Yes they are BUT! But, not when you are pretending to be someone else. I tried calming him down as much as possible and comforting him too. I hope he's alright. I'm going out extra early to buy some chocolate for him before I go to gym. I'm gonna reward him with it and cuddles too. 

I told mum about buying new clothes. In the end she gave me permission to go out and buy my own. Lolol, she gave me the green lights, she better not regret it.

I'm not looking forward to the English mock tomorrow, at the end of the day. It's an essay question too, I hate essays. They are the bane of my existence! I'd choose calculus over it any day. Getting asked to do a programming project is better than it too.

I'm stuck in a conversation and I can't get out of it. How do I tell someone to f*ck off without being rude/ politely. At least I've got Karate tomorrow. Gonna kick some butts!

Till next time.

Tao

(I've got Heavydirtysoul stuck in my head now...)


	31. Entry.31 14th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the short chapter today. Got back late from Karate practice and I have to get up early tomorrow.

So, a good acquaintance found out about my relationship and I hope she keeps her trap shut. I'm going to have a talk with her tomorrow so I can be reassured that things won't go out of hand. *nervously sweating* If it does I'm dead meat.  
Seriously I'm gonna get messed up.  
Then security is going to tighten so much that all I'm gonna do is be confined at home and maybe even homeschooled. My parents want to arrange a marriage if I don't find someone but, then they don't allow me to date anyone.

Apart from the third wheel (my old crush and a close friend) dying during lunch with my boyfriend, today was pretty mundane. I mentioned about the mark on my neck I got a while back and she immediately thought of something else. *shaking head* Why? So I had to explain everything to her just to reassure her. There was one time I said to my boyfriend, during break time when we were cuddling, that I just wanted to kidnap him and take him to my room. He thought of something different to me. I just wanted some more time cuddling privately! Why am I surrounded with dirty minded people.

I've figured out what to do with the ring project. I hope my BF doesn't mind me dragging him along to the DT department and get down to business (to defeat the Huns ~).

Done a mock today and got my last one (hopefully) tomorrow. Today is gonna be a bit short. I need to be able to wake up on time for tomorrow. I didn't make it to the gym this morning. At least I had a gruelling two hours session to compensate.

That's all for now.

Tao, over and out!


	32. Entry.32 15th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a good day today, but happy birthday to my friend! *popping party poppers*

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  
What's up with the alarm sounds inside my head?  
As you may of guessed. Today was one of the sh*test days I've experienced. Let's start with this morning shall we.

I woke up to the realisation of my Speaking exam and parents evening. Two things I wasn't looking forward to.   
And then my brother decided to pick a fight with me. He started getting mad that my other brother, who I've asked nicely to cover for me for around 15 minutes max, couldn't play with him. That just makes him sound like a baby, plus my mocks are more important than his games. Seriously, I would love to play video games too but unfortunately I won't be able to survive in the future.  
He then started saying how spoiled and selfish I was. I told him that I would do exactly the same thing for him. He then said that he knows me. As if! Hahah, he doesn't even know that I swing more than one way. He doesn't know what goes on in my head, what I've experienced, what I am afraid of.

Anyway that was already my first hours already trashed. Then during French I wasn't allowed to practice my speech for the mock this afternoon. So I was in the lesson bored AF as we were going over the results and I knew all the answers. A good acquaintance said "Ninja has ligma," and I just replied with "Ligma balls b*tch," and my best friend just looked over at me disapprovingly. Then I was called out during the lesson as the teacher wanted to share one of my answers I put down for the mock. When he said it, everyone just looked at me and I was bombarded with looks and questions.

Had a moment with my boyfriend where I got him to lay his head on my lap. He fell asleep while I was petting and stroking his hair. At least I know that I'm comfy, he said that my shoulder is too. That was nice. I was practicing my Kata for my grading and my audience was none other than my lover. He said that I looked scary/ intimidating but also attractive. I quite like the Kata I'm doing now. It has loads of movements which I can make strong, sharp and snappy. To the point where the force of my punches, could be felt by my BF, without me touching him. The air gets pushed around and my controlled breathing makes my BF shook.

Also during sparring we were doing ground work and our goal was to pin the opponent on their backs. I had a different method that is tried and tested. So I was rolling around with my partner, who happens to be my boyfriend. I got him on his back and to keep him there, I got into mount. His hands were still free and was trying to push me off, so I did the next logical thing to prevent him from escaping. I pinned his hands above his head. My best friend (he knows about our relationship) who managed to look over at our fight, raised his eyebrows at me.  
I said back at him. "I prefer being on top," then I realised what I said and regretted it as I looked at my best friend's pained expression and my boyfriend's flustered one. Oops. I'm mixing my BJJ terms with "other" terms.

Then came parent's evening. Which was all great apart from the languages I took. I got Cs in them And was one mark off Bs. So mum being mum, she focused on the negative and ignored all the straight As and A*s I was getting. She said she would tell dad... well that was a f*cking lie. *insert meme here*

So now I not allowed to do any of my hobbies...which I've stopped because I was busy revising for mocks but somehow they are the reason why my results are so bad??? I am confusion...  
And while I was writing an essay in a different language my dad came in and railed at me. Literally the last person I needed to see. Once he left the room I just let the tears roll. Kudos to my boyfriend who tried to help me as best as he can.

Tomorrow is gonna be better hopefully. My boyfriend is looking forward to my cooking but I'll have to find somewhere to keep it till he can pick it up. I have to leave early as I have a dentist appointment.  
I'm getting my teeth pulled out because of braces.

Enjoy this little poem I made in French before I go:  
Zen Shin Nee

Hold back power  
Add more flow  
Go a bit slower  
And the results will show.

Tao


	33. Entry.33 16th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not much today. Got yelled at by my parents and now I'm in pain because of an operation that I didn't really want to do.

Ladi lardi da! I dunno what I'm doing but I know that I'm messing up big time. I've already anticipating a punishment from my dad and I regret not practicing the piano. But I was busy doing homework and revising... why must life throw everything my way.

I'm not gonna write much today... just really tired, I've got to go out and buy some pads for someone special in the morning. Thank god they told me earlier and I managed to get a bunch of shark week supplies for them (chocolate included). Cooked them apple and plum crumble with custard. My boyfriend loved it when he tried it. I think I may of accidentally got him hooked onto my cooking... oops.

Unfortunately I couldn't have a bit as I got my teeth pulled out today. Two of them on my right. I hope he pulled out the right ones because they are my adult teeth and will not be growing back anytime soon. Loads of blood, I used up all the gauze he gave me so I just had to swallow any blood that was still coming out. The numbness is wearing off and now I'm just bracing for the pain.

Fun fact. I didn't want this. I am actually quite fine with my teeth. I'm satisfied with them. But noooo. My parents have been pressuring me to get braces and one of the procedures is to get my teeth pulled out because my jaw is too small. So my teeth were getting a bit crowded. Rip my teeth, I will miss you. I already am to be honest. Why do I have to get braces? So my parents would stop saying how ugly and unpleasant to look at... too bad I've already started everything before my boyfriend came along and told me that I was beautiful the way I was.  
*sigh* I might as well see it through.

Till next time.

Tao


	34. Entry.34 17th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My mood has been fluctuating today. A friend told me something that I really needed and a fun few memes/ scenarios that happened.

MWAHAHAHA!  
Lolol, my boyfriend thinks I'm high while my best friend said "it be like that sometimes". I think I'm in a very mischievous mood right now. It has been a bit crazy today, my mood that is.

This morning was meh, okay nothing New apart from squirting some people with water. Also my old crush giving me some uncertain signals. Even though I'm over her. She's getting closer and closer to me, asking if she can be in a group with me before anyone is even starting. Like, why would you want to be with me??? I'm not as good as you plus I'm not really your friend. I'm only a classmate to you.  
Plus I have my boyfriend now.

During break I was playing a game with my other best friend. He won, that sneaky bastard! Filling everything up and leaving me no choice but to set up a chain reaction of points to collect. The closest I've been to drawing is around a 10 point gap. That is how bad it is. It's the same with playing chess with him. I'll have to force a stalemate otherwise he will win.  
But he's been showing me some new songs that are pretty wack and talking about a few animes with me. I haven't watched the newer ones yet but, I'm planning on reading the manga soon.

My BFs were all concerned for me when I decided to die for a little while and sink under my decks. I re-emerged don't worry. There was one part in the last game where I was laughing hysterically. Then not knowing why I'm laughing. So I started kinda whining while holding back so I sounded like I was crying a bit. But to be honest I was still laughing and I dunno how to stop or why I was.

My boyfriend was feeling a bit iffy. I thought it was all my fault but after vomiting in the toilet and me sneaking some painkillers into his bag. He was just a bit shaken up. I comforted him and offered him cuddles as I got him to talk about it and reassure him as much as possible. Phew, at least he's okay.

After that I was just feeling kinda down. Kinda wanting to cry internally. But that went away and I ended chatting about stories with my close friend who I've managed to introduce to online stories. She said something that was scaringly accurate. "Tao, I feel like... you are the type of person who has gone through a lot of sh*t. A character with a tragic backstory. Yet you are incredibly strong, I mean you already are physically but, also mentally. And you hide all those things inside of you, just so you don't want to make us worry or you feel like a burden to us. If anyone does anything to you, I'm getting you out of there and you can stay with us. I have space in my ( ). I don't care who it is, even if it's your family. Tao, know that I'm here and you can always talk to me. I know that you aren't telling us everything, but the little things you have are already sh*tty enough. I can't imagine how bad the ones are that you are keeping. Everyone has secrets and I respect that. But Tao, I'm here for you and so is everyone else," and that was terrifyingly accurate. I ended up hugging her and saying thank you too many times. I managed to change my old habit of saying sorry because of her and I am really grateful. I'm planning on telling people more and more when the time is right. But if I do it now, it'll just f*ck me over. I'll wait until things are stable before I let some more go.

I teased my boyfriend a bit. Giving him a parting gift only to be begged to stay for a few more minutes... I stayed but didn't do anything apart from hugging him and saying awful puns till he was then begging me to stop. I walked him down after school and then went to clinic.  
My dad didn't believe that I went because of my f*cking brother's words. He believes someone who he knows have lied way too many times, than me who is actually pretty good. Especially when it comes to avoiding trouble and punishment. I got it cleared up in the end, thank god. That was so messy. The sad thing was that I was the only one who turned up to clinic today.

Have some random crack memes I made :3

BF: When you said magic in bed I don't think-  
Me: Is this your card?  
BF softly: Holy Sh*t  
***  
BF: Lol, can you actually do it?  
Me: Yeah I can, remember the fire tricks I did?  
BF: Oh, I forgot about those. I liked the one where you kept a lit match in your mouth.   
Me: That one was a hard one to do. I burned my mouth the first time.   
BF: any others?  
Me winking: Many more up my sleeve.

  
BF: It's so hot in here *unbuttons shirt*  
Me: I know babe but, why are you unbuttoning mine?

  
Me during rolling: *pinning down BF until sensei tells us to stop* love you ~  
BF who is dying from being crushed under my pressure: *muffled* I hate you.  
***  
BF: I'm still trying to get over the fact that you can do a normal press-up with me on top of you, AND then proceed to lift me up on your shoulders. *squishes my cheeks* Yet you are so small and light.  
Me:... Come train with me! :3  
BF: I don't want to die tho  
Me: ... I'm still alive right?  
BF: ...

 

BF walking into the room: This is an odd spot for you to- *cards whizzed past his face by a foot*  
Me: Sorry about that. I released it too early!  
BF: I am never gonna think of you with your cards that same way again.  
Me: I do card tricks *grinning sheepishly*  
BF: you can THROW cards with a lot of force and high accuracy *points at the target*

  
Friend: Anyone here that is straight, raise your hands.  
Me: *raises hand*  
Everyone: *looks at me*  
Me: *slowly gets out of seat keeping an eye out*  
Everyone: *leaps out of their seat, chasing me around the room to wrestle my hand down*

  
That's all for now.

Tao


	35. Entry.35 18th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not much today but it was the end of a long week. Finally!

Can I just say that One Punch Man's opening theme song: Hero!!! Is such a good hyper. I was listening to it while I was working out and managed to make it through with some time to spare in the end. Even my brother agrees, and he hates my taste of music!  
Lolol, me and my boyfriend were just singing House of memories and other Panic! At the disco's songs the other day. It was fun although he's better than me Lolol. He takes signing lessons and is in a choir. I used to be in a choir, but then I quit after a few years because I was forced into it.

Also, damn him for leaving me hanging! That was mean and uncalled for. But then again I did do that to him a few times. Tease him and then leave because of work and places to be. After school he asked how was I. Well I managed to get stuff done and put my mind off it. Ended converting it to aggression which came in useful for basket ball. Got a shot in when no one had any faith in me. At the beginning of the match my team was telling me to be very aggressive and do what I do. By the end they were telling me to tune it down Lolol XDD.  
They called me a demon and I dunno if I should take it as a compliment or offence.

Back at home I was discovering some old songs which I still like and downloaded it to my MP3 player. The good thing is that it lasts for a while and it has Bluetooth connection. Very useful for my wireless earphones. Some guys in my year saw me wearing them around the school, because they are less irritable than my plug in ones, and he said to me "those are like AirPods right?"   
...  
They... they aren't- *sigh*. The only similarity between my earphones and AirPods are that they are both Bluetooth and they are like normal headphones. The design are really different. Mine has those hooks that go around your ear so it stays in place when I exercise. And it didn't cost hundreds of pounds.

Just listening to a bunch of songs I've got. Stitches came up and I just started to reenact it. My sister looked at me with a weird look. So I told her that she has a entrance exam tomorrow which mum forgot to tell her. She started to freak out... oops.  
And I just tried to help out my boyfriend with arranging his meetings. I have the contacts that can help give me the information needed but, he said no am that it was going to be alright. I bet he's questioning where did I get the phone numbers. (Psst- it was on a the small notebook we were all given)

Also a friendly acquaintance asked my best friend if I was gay. Thank God he covered for me. I'm still in the closet and haven't outed myself to everyone yet. Only to a special few. He just said to him "I- I can't say. You'll just have to ask Tao,". And then as me and my best friend were walking to lunch, the acquaintance was right behind me! He could of asked right then and there! I hope he hasn't just decided to jump to a conclusion and then start spreading it. *panic*

Anyway, if I get given the chance, I want to revisit one old anime I loved. They've finally made the next season for it after more than a decade I think. That's all for now.

Tao, signing out!


	36. Entry.36 19th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions, decisions and I'm bad at making them. I'm finally going to get some clothes and mum has given me the heads up for whatever I want. You know what that means.  
> >:3

Guess who has another taster day? It's me... WhY... I literally have no clothes to wear to it and I'm not wearing what I wore last time. Also I have to skip a day at my school... and a piano lesson. The catch-up work is going to be the end of me. Seriously, last time it took me around a week to catch up fully. I don't wanna experience it again. I have a business meeting to attend too! I'll just have to cancel that and ask them to send me a report of it.

So the task to find some suitable clothes start now! I've been searching online and am having some trouble. I don't like the female formal wear and I wanna wear a suit. But it said formal casual so, I don't wanna walk in all business like to people who are casual. I was originally going to go shopping with my boyfriend. I have a bad taste in clothing apparently so I need someone with me. But he couldn't attend so I decided to go with my best friend instead. Hopefully he can give me a few pointers.

While trying to find a suit or blazer, I can also find something for prom and valentine. To be honest I just want to wear something nice. Also since the school I'm having a taster at is not mine. So I am unfamiliar with the layout and will be needing a lot of help. Might ask my cousin for a map of the school and jot down the rooms and timings. As well as my anxiety shooting through the roof thinking about it, I have to go otherwise I won't be prepared for the day I start there. So, if I am going to wear something to an event which I find terrifying (social events in general) I might as well wear something I'll be comfortable and confident in.

I hope my friend replies in time so we get things nailed down otherwise I'm just going to go and pray that I don't end up with something hideous.

I was bored this morning so I decided to watch an anime. The question was, what anime? I kept hearing my best friends voice in my head nagging me to go and watch "That time I got reincarnated as a slime", but another side said "Nahhhh, let's watch something else." I searched up a few but weren't really interested in them. I ended up watching a review of 2018's anime... it had it's ups and downs. I landed on an anime called "Violet Evergarden".   
Apparently it's a tear jerker BUT, it tells an amazingly beautiful story with stunning visuals. After the first few episodes I agree. I've only finished episode three and damn! I was so close to crying, tears were in my eyes! I want to watch the next episode but then I won't be able to wake up tomorrow to go shopping.

Also mum caught me walking around the house wearing joggers and a tank top. She said I can't wear those sort of things around the house. Why? I am literally covered up decently. Oh, are my shoulders disturbing you? Oh, is it my arms? Want me to flex?  
Hotel? Trivago  
Lolol, sorry had to get that in there. But I'm still a bit pissed. She says that I'm dressed indecently when she tries to get me to wear shorts that are so short that they can be my briefs and crop tops that nearly surpass my bras. WTF!!!

*pain and sighing*  
Why???  
*face deck*  
Till next time I guess...

Tao


	37. Entry.37 20th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I tried my best and that's what counts. What sucks is the designs and what is available.

Today was a bit stressful. I was made to stay at work today when I have already told my boss that I had to leave early so I can have some time trying to pick a suit for the taster day. I managed to get the bare minimum. I still haven't got a blazer but I have my coat, which I can swap for. My boyfriend asked where I got my shoes and I think he wants them.

Mum found a blazer online but I dunno if I would like it. Unfortunately all the blazers I found are different shades of blue and they are too big. It sucks being a small person. Aaaand I'm kinda weary of the women's section when it comes to blazers... it's either then shoulders will fit and the sleeves are too long or the sleeves will fit and the shoulders are too small. RIP. Plus the men's section don't sell as small as me. T-T  
At least I'm going out tomorrow for one more round then I'm going to go online and try to convince my mum to buy them.

And I've done it again... after all this time. I really shouldn't of done it, I wasn't thinking properly and I was too bloody upset. Well if you want to know. I scraped my wrist with a pencil and now there are marks.  
They aren't as bold as the one I did with a knife many months ago. I hope they don't scar. I'm regretting this. F*ck. I'm such a f*ck up. Why am I still here.  
Right, my loved ones don't want me to die yet. Well, I guess I have to carry on.

After all of the shopping,me and my best friend, who I dragged along with me, went into a cafe to get something to drink. I treated him to one in thanks for putting up with me. The person that served us was definitely not straight. Especially with the way he talks and how he acts. Me and my friend swear that he is not straight. Then my best friend wanted to flirt with him cause he just wants a boyfriend. I was about to give him a tailored pick up line but he already had one. Afterwards he agreed that mine was better after I told him with what I was planning for him to say. After all, it was tailored to the guy's preference and what he revealed about himself to us.

Then we sat down and chatted mainly about LGBTQ+ stuff and how many gays there are at the school. I mean we've literally got the majority of the gays in your "friend group". It's hilarious, like only 10% are straight. Then since I'm now in a relationship I was asked about advice to help my poor lonely gay best friend. RIP him. Unfortunately there aren't that many good choices at our school and all the ones he had a crush on are straight. I nudged him and said "Hey, why don't we turns the straights gay for us?" We both winked to each other at the same time and laughed. The we started chatting about or old crushes, I told him about the one that is still giving me some mixed signals and I'm getting really confused. Why does she want to be with me??? I'm not as good as her and I've already got someone. I'm so glad that my boyfriend is one of my best friends.

Well I'm gonna hit the hay and end the day.

Till we meet again!

Tao


	38. Entry.38 21st January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today was like the east Enders opening theme. It goes up before plonking down at the last note.

Today was going alright my until I got bit by a dog. So here I am typing with one hand on my own at the A&E. I have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow... I won’t be able to do a lot of stuff... that includes cooking, typing with two hands ( I can do with one but with both it’s quicker.) at least I can still write. No working out for me I guess.

Aaaand, I’ve accidentally lost my boyfriends scarf during the ordeal. I’m going back tomorrow morning to find it. After all it should be in the lost and found. I hope he’s not mad at me. Aaah, everything is my fault.

 

So I know what are you thinking. Why and how did you get bitten by a dog. Well, you see. Me and my boyfriend were out trying to find a blazer for me but we spent too much time so we had to run back to my place to get his bags. And then running down the Main Street a dog, a large bulldog from the looks of it, just barked and leaped at me and bit my hand mid running. WTF!!! I was just hurrying home! I didn’t do anything to provoke the dog. Do dogs just hate me in general?

I love animals, some like me back. One time I attracted so many cats that I couldn’t leave until my sister had to chase them away from me.

 

And now I’ve missed my karate grading. That’s great I guess, it’s not like I was practicing really hard for it at all (note the sarcasm). Just end me already. I was ready to die a long time ago.

 

Wow I’m a f*ck up, oh lookie here. My dad is mad at me, oh he just yelled at me. Just the thing I need. And now I’m alone by myself in the A&E. Confession here, I hate being lonely. Yes I sometimes like being alone, BUT I hate being lonely. I’m soooo tired. Can I just sleep forever. I think people are more scared of the fact that I’m not crying or looking upset at the fact that my hand got bitten is I just have a pool of blood. Welp, the first thing to do is to remain calm, like I learned in the first aid classes. Then the next thing I did was to raise my hand above my heart to slow down the bleeding. Check.

Now waiting for someone to see me and ask for injections apparently.

 

Just got checked up and they said, “ even though you are classified as a child, you are very grown up,” yes, I am calm on the outside while on the inside I’m internally wondering and questioning everything. And the dark thoughts are coming back no matter how hard I try to forget. Another question I got was “on a scale of one to ten, how much does it hurt?” I answered with “two, because it’s annoying me,” which is true. And I’m used to dealing with physical pain anyway. I get beaten up a lot so meh. Guess I’ll die.

 

Also I’m known as the class alcoholic in French. Why? Because of the Mocks incident when I couldn’t think of a ‘normal’ excuse for the role play and I answered with. “I was drunk” and now everyone in class knows and now I’m the alcoholic. I was about to argue with “I haven't drank alcohol, ever," but then I would be lying. It was only a glass of wine and I couldn’t back out of it. It was disgusting.

*sigh* just one time it takes to f*ck up. I’m just wanna go to sleep, forever.

 

I’ve got loads of homework to do and some catch up work too. I want to watch ‘Violet Evergarden’ but I have no headphone plus the phone I’m using right now is running out of battery. The last episode I watched made me cry. I’m not prepared for the next episodes, especially episode 10.

 

Well that’s all for now and ‘till next time we meet. (Or not)

 

Tao

(I’m so close to tears and I want to cry, but I can’t)


	39. Entry.39 22nd January 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I mainly spent my time in the hospital today. So, have my experience of it!

Well then... I'm trying to find out a way to hold my phone while I type.

Woke up extra early this morning for the operation, yes I had to have one unfortunately. I've been answering people's questions about where I was. There was two ways I could of replied: " I was bitten by a dog," or "My hand was mauled by a dog,". I didn't go with the latter cause that will freak people out. At least I had some that cared about me.

The wait was ages but it was fine. I got the chance to watch a few episodes of some anime and respond to my friends panic. It was like the wait yesterday, except I didn't have any source of entertainment... I wasn't comfortable sitting in the same position for hours...and no hot butches to be seen. I can't sit STRAIGHT okay! Lolol ;3.  
I made some friendly chatter with the patients in the waiting room. That was nice too.

Yesterday was worse than today's wait, mainly 'cause I was alone in the A&E (with a bunch of strangers sitting as far away as possible). So, my neck, my back, my DePrEsSiOn attack! I nearly had multitudes of meltdowns, tears were in my eyes and my thoughts were of my demise. People were wondering why I was so calm but, in actuality, I was ready and didn't mind dying.  
Also 'cause I've accidentally left my boyfriend's scarf in a shop and I couldn't go and collect it so the blame of that was f*cking me over too. And when I told him, his sarcastic humour (low key taunting?) wasn't helping with my mental stability.

Talking about that, mum was calling me crazy and mentally ill, got yelled at too. ( I just showed here a blazer that I wanted ,which a guy just so happened to be modelling for) Well she is not wrong, I've kinda realised that having these thoughts for more than a few years and plenty of times a week is not a good thing. I hope the doctors and surgeons don't notice the scars on me...  
People keep telling me not to hold it in because I will burst one day. How do I do that then??? How do I stop? It's not easy as a snap of fingers. (Thanos why aren't I dead?)  
Some things I'm too afraid to tell others. Coming out to a selected few is still proving really difficult to me.

Enough of that, after getting wheeled in, the surgeons stabbed me with needles again (fair enough). They thought they couldn't get any blood from my small veins in my small hands (one of the things people make fun of me for). They were about to take it out and administer me the gas instead but, thank god blood started coming out. Wow, the one time I'll say that in my life, probably. They injected a few drugs in me while I was distracting myself. I was chatting to them while they started injecting the anaesthesia and I started to feel groggy. My mind was saying, finish off the sentence before you go! And I did and then smiled at them before I closed my eyes and let the feeling wash over me.

The next thing I knew was that I woke up and I was completely disorientated. Super drowsy and confused. I tried to get a sneak peak at my hand but it was heavier than I thought it would be and my body decided not to respond. I managed to get a look and I was still wired up to the machines. The nurse then called for my mum and they wheeled me to a different department. I said I was fine getting up. I lied and my mind overestimated my body again. Nearly ended face planting the floor. But my good hang gripped onto the side and was nearly hanging off it like a monkey. The nurses and mum rushed forward to steady me while I took my first steps.

I had to be careful with my body weight. Not to lean forward too much and ditto backwards. Mum said that I was drunk. First off that gave me a flashback to French class. And second I have never been sober or drunk. After a few moments I ate a tuna sandwich and drank some tea. Either that or something disgusting. Then I tried to walk myself to the toilet. Mum commented saying I was still a little bit tipsy. Originally I was going to be dispatched after three hours but I managed to shorted it to one and a half. Walking straight took up my entire concentration, at least I didn't fall. My hand looks like it's been wrapped up to cover a broken wrist! Not a puncture in the skin. But then again, I didn't know what they did to my while I was out.  
Also one... scratch that, MOST of the surgeons, doctors and nurses were hot or cute. Help.

They were really nice throughout the whole procedure and I hope that they are well. Many thanks to them. Mum said that I have visited the hospital the most out of my siblings, oops.

I managed to drop off my boyfriend's stuff and got hugs from my best friends. When I wasn't concentrating properly, I stumbled a bit and even tripped over my own feet. Mum got pizza which was good too because I was starving. I still haven't finished watching the episode that I was on. I had to keep pausing it because I was going to cry but I didn't want to miss any of the subtitles (and people to see me). The numbness is wearing off and I have the postponed appointment tomorrow. Pain, pain, go away, don't come back, ever again!

See you all later.

Tao


	40. Entry.40 23rd January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna update soon

I'm feeling really terrible rn, with a mahoosive headache. I'll write a bit later after a nap?

Tao


	41. Entry.41 25th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the random updates.

So a massive sorry for no updates for the past two days.

The bite and operations had been giving me trouble. On Thursday I had a terrible headache to the point where I couldn't focus to do basic needs. And today's was tasterday with a small headache and diarrhoea with some nausea. Not good.

I've phoned up the doctors, they're going to book in an appointment for me to have a check up. I'm still really behind but I'll update as soon as possible!

Thanks for sticking with me.

Tao


	42. Entry.42 26th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little more today, a small recap of yesterday and a plan for a future gift.

Another day gone. Sent most of it in bed like you usually do. My hand is still out of action with heavy tasks but lighter ones I can do. Such as picking up and finding paper. I'm constantly wearing my leather fingerless gloves, it feels like someone is holding my hand UWU. At least it won't be cold.

Tried to do some of the catch up work, I managed to finish Religious Studies and like a quarter of German? Guess who had to work? Me... and my boss says my injury is fake. Sure, it's not like I bit myself and then went to hospital and demanded to be put to sleep and have surgery. No, a bloody dog go came outta nowhere and mauled me hand for flips sake! My first dressing looked like I broke my goddamn wrist!

I face timed my boyfriend yesterday and he was apologising about it. I told him not to because it wasn't his fault, we were just walking together and the dog pounced on me. My brother walked in on us and so I kindly asked him to leave. He ended annoying me. I turned to my boyfriend and he was just there smiling back at me. I asked "what?" And they had said that he was admiring my jawline. And that's how my mood suddenly improved.

I had to end the call a few times because the doctor was calling me about my symptoms and me not feeling well. That sucked because mum lied to them so I had to tidy up any misunderstandings. Why u do dis?  
Mum got mad at me for doing that, her fault for lying and exaggerating. I might get worse depending on what the doctor decides.

I'm still not eating properly, I've had a few small snacks and only one proper meal, after being forced to. I've been carving random food, but when I actually get it (raw salmon was today's), I just felt nauseous after the first bite. What a waste, that goes against my morals. I want to eat a burrito or a wrap right now...

I'm hungry...

I've decided what to give my boyfriend for Valentine's Day. Mainly a leather bracelet I've made. Well, going to make that is. Originally, it was gonna be a paracord one but, I couldn't find any suppliers that delivered in time. So, I went for a different material instead. It works I guess. It's going to be a navy blue surrounded by black or grey bracelet while I'm going to have a matching one with black and red.

That's a wrap!

Tao


	43. Entry.43 27th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lazy Sunday is a great Sunday. I've lost all sense of time, help.

My bed is one of the best places to be. Until people come into the room and your dad starts to threaten you. Then I moved to the lounge and sprawled onto the sofa. My brothers were watching "Ready Player One" and my sister was reading the Harry Potter series.

Legit just spent the entire day relaxing. Which I would need because tomorrow starts the headache of school. Need to bring in my wallet so I can pay my friend for getting me the leather cords. We have a system where I pay for shipping and price, all in thanks of me helping him out in class and in the future.

I'm gonna ask my boyfriend about the colours when I see him. I already know his favourite colour, which is blue. When he first asked me I just guessed. I weighed each option and applied common knowledge with some reasoning and BAM! I guessed it correctly.  
I just need to know what goes better: navy blue with black or grey?

I thought about doing some work but today's shift flattened me out. I figured that I can't hold or pick up anything heavy with my left hand. It just starts to hurt because of the wound pressing on the dressing. I read the copy of the report I got from them. Apparently there was some pus and they cut out some fat and flesh. My hand is pretty average, you know that I exercise a lot. So I don't think it'll be much. I hope I heal fast because I don't want to be stuck with an unusable hand for more than a month. That's how long the doctors predict will heal.

Got another check up tomorrow and on Wednesday I've got an orthodontist appointment. I'm not going to be eating properly again. Also, I need to make sure I have my painkillers at the ready. I'm down to my last two pills now. Both are for tomorrow. WHOO!!! Nearly done with them. I want cuddles. :3

Until next time.

Tao


	44. Entry.44 28th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rant, a slight NSFW at the end. Not much because of school.

Back to school... yay... nay. Why did I have to go back to that ---. I've already gathered the work I need to do and so far. Only completed one because I was too busy watching documentaries. I was bored okay!

I had to run to school because I was late. That was a bad idea because I ended up feeling really ill afterwards. A close friend tried to hug me but I had to decline. I was in too much discomfort. It hurt. I bursted through my form room and told people I wasn't dead yet. And then a little b*tch asked me why wouldn't I be.   
EXCUSE ME YOU LITTLE MF! At least you didn't get mauled by a dog, had to have two surgeries back to back. Injected with so much anaesthesia that you start seeing two. Had your body try to murder yourself and so much pain that you couldn't even think properly. Oh and painkillers don't work sometimes, and that really sucks. Wonder why I had two days off? And now I am drowning under stress, pressure and work. I was also getting hit with bad thoughts that I tried so hard to lock away and forget. Constantly on the verge of a breakdown and people wonder why I'm so flipping calm. I've already accepted my death.   
I never thought I would make it this far.

Finished off my pills today and had a hospital check up. They said that the wound was healing nicely. Thank god they cut out the infected parts. I'm moving my fingers a lot more and my gloves make me look kinda badass. No teachers bat an eye at it too.  
Gonna do judo tomorrow. I can still throw someone with one hand.

Also I visited a gallery with my boyfriend and there was so much nostalgia because of the exhibit there. I was just explaining to him about certain parts if it and I'm glad that he finds it interesting too. He also told his parents that we were dating. His mother predicted that it would happen while his dad started bombarding him with questions and switched to male pronouns... I know your son may of dated a guy *cough* my friend *cough* in the past, but he's bi and he's mine. *hugs fiercely*

Also something that happened:  
BF: You know I was going though so future plans and they were all fluffy and cute at first and then I came across your section.  
Me: I just need somewhere and some equipment to exercise that's all.  
BF: So while I'm in the kitchen baking cookies, you'll be in another room beating the crap out of a bag.  
Me: Yes...  
BF: and then you'll hear screaming and things crashing and you'll pop your head out of your room-  
Me: Is that going to be you?  
BF: Yes... I don't know how to cook... :(  
Me: :/ *sigh* I can always teach you.  
BF: I've ready too much fanfiction to know where this is going. *describes what he thinks is going to happen based on ideas he had read*  
Me: Yeeeaaah. That's not gonna happen. You see when I'm teaching and offering tips, I become what I'm like in the gym helping people out, I become commanding.  
BF giving a look: ...  
Me: you know, like dominant/ domi-  
BF: Stop  
Me: ???  
BF: You are arousing me.  
Me: ... I wasn't- I didn't- *face deck* Can you StOp?!?

That's all. :3

Tao


	45. Entry.45 29th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today was a balance, ups and downs. Just trying to survive this week, chock full of appointments.

PAIN! You made me a, you made me a believer, believer!  
Yes 'cause I kinda wanna start screaming and kickstart a riot. In my house because mum will not let me do my homework. Then if I don't complete it I'll get in trouble and my grades will drop. Then mum will get even more mad at me. See? It's just a snowball rolling down. I need to stop it before it gets out of control.

Right now I'm waiting till the coast is clear so I can whip it out and finish the ones I need for tomorrow. I'll see if I can extend any deadlines but I'd prefer not to. Plus the teachers will say "You should of caught up them,". Yeah sure let me just catch up on all subjects at once, its not like I need the toilet, food and sleep. I can feel myself crumbling under the pressure. F*ck, I need help. I would love to text my Boyfriend and friends by I don't wanna burden them. Also we'll probably talk for ages and get nothing done.

I'm back again, I've just finished the minimum and that makes me cringe. I usually do extra to get those credits and a lift on my grades. Ugh, this sucks. At least I'm eating chocolate now (my orthodontist is going to kill me). Speaking of chocolate, I need to go and buy some tomorrow. It's for my boo... shark week again.   
BABY SHARK DO DOO DO DO!

My boyfriend and my best friend were just fighting over me. Well more like him being a little jealous and my bestie was defending. RIP. It was all in good humour though so, that was good. I made my best friend say "Ich bin heiß" during German class. He thought it meant " I am hot" that is what you get if do a literal translation but in reality it means, "I am horny,". I loved his reaction, he went bright red and looked like be was going to grimace or start laughing his guts out. At least he won't say it in the real speaking exam...Or will he?

Also there is this dickhead, who denies calling my friends different slurs. Um.. we've got like half the year on our side and plenty of evidence. You are in the wrong and everyone knows it, own up before I "take care" of you (once again, do they even learn?).

My hand is getting much better! I can grip onto things and pull, still can't push or close my hand into a fist due to where the bite was.  
My other best friend told me that there was a meme circulating about me apparently. Because I'm Asian and I got bitten by a dog, so slap down that reversal card. I've never eaten a dog before or bitten one and I don't want to. WTF.

Bad news everyone, my week is pretty much booked up. I dunno about next week, haven't seen the plans for that yet.  
And the good news everyone! I made it in the badminton team... the tournament is on this Friday. When everyone wears their own clothes... it's fine, I wear my sports kit as my casual-wear half the time.

'Till next time.

Tao

Shout out to Turtle! Your comments really make my day.


	46. Entry.46 30th January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to my best friend. Not much apart from school. BF's in pain and won't get a check up. More work to catch up on.

School... appointments, not enough time, help.

Everything was normal like usually, my hand is getting much better. I need to be able to plant it down if I dive for any shuttlecocks during the tournament. Need to play the piano too *cringe* haven't had the chance to.

Since my orthodontist appointment was a bit later I just missed cookery class today. We were going to bake brownies... that makes me sad. I'm glad that in the end they handed me my ingredients to be able to cook at home. Gonna bring it into school for some special people.

My boyfriend's shoulder is killing him. He got thrown buy someone, who is not so gentle or caring about their partners (Dishonour on you! Dishonour on your cow!) and landed on his shoulder pretty badly. I kept telling him to go and get it checked up, but he won't listen to me. I managed to get him to the medical centre but he tweaked his story behind my back and came out with a heat pack. Back problems are very serious, don't underestimate them.   
During training people go to me but during sparring they don't... I guess they know that I control my throws during practice but, during sparring I don't hold back as much. And I made a rule where if someone says sorry the punishment is either three push-ups or five burpees. I would put it to five push-ups or ten burpees but then I realised the they couldn't do it and they apologised wayyy too much.

Be grateful, say thank you. You'll feel better too.

When I went to pick up my ingredients today, my best friend tagged along. Now he regrets not taking cooking as an option. The place is really cool, with music playing and people chatting and helping each other. Plus, it was with decent people too if your friends were away. Best part, food. That's it.

Have a physics test tomorrow, haven't revised so I just watched some videos. Thank you for saving me free science videos guy! Then watched 'Have a nice day' by World Operation (?). It's was all fun and happy until the ending where it was bittersweet. And then a summary of hits on a news channel.

Everyone was talking about how bad the entire ethnicity was, not how the owner could of prevented the attack. In summary, a pit bull attacked a stray dog. The owner eventually got them to let go and the stray limped away. It happened in China. And now spamming in the comments was how bad Chinese people were. Literally, stop stereotyping and blaming the entire nation.   
Think of the fuse and not the bomb.  
How did the owner treat his dog? Did the stray aggravate the situation?  
Did the pit bull aggravate the situation?   
Who's fault is it?  
What happened before and after?  
What was the owner doing before and after? And there are many more questions to be asked.  
You need to know enough before you can make a conclusion. Don't jump the gun.

It's funny how a picture at an angle can paint you in bad light while the same picture but at a different perspective can put you in the good. The media uses this a lot. Just, think about that.

Tao


	47. Entry.47 31st January 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It snowed today! I made a few bad jokes and lots going on tomorrow.

I've discovered that my high fives are strong enough to destroy water balloons. Also I got into an argument with mum.   
When I came home I told her that I had an hospital check up. She said I don't have one and it was for her actually, but I kept saying it was me because I knew. She just went without me. And guess what? When she came home she started getting mad at me for not going to my check up. Then she asked me why I didn't tell her. B****! I f*cking did!!! WTF!

My brother poured water all over me because he wanted to show off. He regrets messing up because he had to clean up all the mess. He nearly had to copy all my notes up, they nearly got hit buy the water. Thank god they aren't destroyed, I need them for my real exams now.

When I went to school this morning my best friend came running to me and immediately tried to open my mouth. He really wanted to see my braces. I told him to calm down and he said that he was just excited to see them. Now he calls us the "Braces buddies". He also scoffed a box of brownies I baked yesterday. At least that was an indication of how good it was.

I had a funny moment where, I was in the medical centre, helping out my boyfriend (because of his bad shoulder) and a bunch of people in his year was there. One of them said "aww, it's so nice that you have such a good friend" to him. Another person who knew that we were dating just coughed and quickly ushered us out of the room.

Also it snowed today and so, my chemistry test got postponed! YEAH!!! It didn't last that long but hey, no test. More time to revise.  
I made a bad pun (snow time like this) and I got a mixed reaction from everyone. Lolol.

Also, something that happened:

Walking down with friends in the rain (gay gang!).  
Friend: umm... I need someone to help me. I've got both of my arms stuck by my sides and my coast is zipped up.  
Other friend: How can we help?  
Friend: can you just pull down the zip please?  
Me giving her a look: Oh, so you want me to strip you?  
Both friends staring at me speechless.  
Me unzipping coat: This is what you get for destroying my innocence.  
Friend hugging me: I want my old Tao back, the pure untainted one to counter these bad ones.  
Other friend: ...  
(Later when I told my BF)  
BF laughing: Did you seriously!?!  
Me: Yeah  
BF dying: I dunno if I should be mad or what.

I've got a badminton tournament tomorrow. Wish me luck!  :3

Tao


	48. Entry.48 1st February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visual representation of today is:  
> Me eating comfort food while listening to 'Have a nice day,' as my dad yells at me through the door.

The only highlight of today is my family enjoying my cooking. To the point where, when I wasn't looking they would take my portion of the food. I had way less than what they had. I feared my cooking was a bit off because I had to leave it for a while because I had to help my parents out. It was urgent and I was away for some time.

The badminton match was cancelled but I came prepared! I brought my hoodie and coat and let my headphones hang from my neck as part of the outfit. I also wore my other glove so I had both of them on. My friends said that I looked like an edgy teenager " the gloves gave it away," . My teacher said I looked like I was going to murder someone. Note the this is the same teacher than went through a PowerPoint of the 9/11 disaster. It was full of pictures from the twin tower attack and he said " look at these lovely pictures of suffering,". Plus, these gloves would be terrible for any crime. Seriously, they are fingerless! Fingerprints are gonna be everywhere and the mesh part will soak things up. I only use them for working out and some people say that I look like I'm gonna beat someone up.

I outed myself to two other people today. WHOO! They were really accepting, one even let me in on theirs (questioning). Although one of them had to ask my (gay) best friend if it was true. For flips sake I just told you!

Basketball was full of laughter and me dying on the floor. We managed to make an all Asian team but one guy was so upset that he didn't do anything. He just stood there (and ended up getting hit in the face, twice). He managed to scavenge enough sympathy from the teacher to switch teams.  
I got hit in the face with the ball too. My mouth bled without me knowing. I was handing over my bib to the next team and they pointed out that I was bleeding. I said "Oh, really," and smiled and started chucking creepily. They started to freak out.  
My friend got so mad at the guy who switched teams and made it a team goal to attack him and only him. She also got mad for people using me as a scrape goat because I snatched too many balls off them and they got upset.  
They complained how my gloves were MMA gloves and were hurting them. These gloves provide protection when I lift weights...I even got them to touch and prod it. And everyone said they weren't hard. Obviously, why would I wear something that would provide bodily harm? Especially when I'm the one getting up close and personal (tackling and body slamming people outta the way).

I got yelled at for doing nothing wrong... my boss is deaf (he isn't really). In a bad mood and then causing other people to get into a bad mood.

One thing I like doing is to shove my cold hands on people's warm bare skin. At one point I wanted to shove my cold hand up my friends shirt. I chased them around and cornered them. It was a joke but my friend said that I looked like I wanted to rape her. WTF. I just wanna let you know how cold my hands are. I ended up placing them on her arms and I watched her squeal. I did that with my boyfriend too and he hates me for doing that.   
I drank some of his hot chocolate while waiting for his dad to pick him up. I remember that I put a stirrer in my mouth to lick off the chocolate. He looked at me with some disgust. I then told him we literally exchange silva whenever we make out. Touché, and he popped the stirrer in his mouth and looked at my reaction. I just lifted an eyebrow. Tried to mimic me but he still hasn't mastered the ability to do so.  
I later got in trouble for coming home late but, meh... I don't care.

That's all for today. The match is supposed going to be on next week. I sure hope it is.

Tao


	49. Entry.49 2nd February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A forming cold, lovely foods and idiotic customers.

I've caught a cold and I think what I ate today didn't help. I had BBQ and unhealthy snacks/ junk food.   
One of them is like a French toast thingy... I think. I'll just tell you the recipe. I usually eat this as comfort food.

Ingredients:  
Sliced bread  
Oil  
Frying pan/ deep fryer  
Egg  
Honey/ syrup

Method:  
You beat the eggs together and then pour into a container/plate.  
Pour oil into cooking equipment and start heating it up till it's hot.  
You dip and soak both sides of the slice of bread in the egg.  
Quickly transfer the slice to the fryer and fry till golden or cooked.  
Take it out and lay on a plate.  
Drizzle syrup/ honey on top and serve.  
Enjoy the diabetes.

I'm feeling terrible, need to take some medicine in a min. I'm not gonna wait it out with colds anymore. They are really annoying me. My nose is sore from all the wiping. And I won't be able to kiss my BF...

Not much today. So that's a wrap.

Tao


	50. Entry.50 3rd February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoo! The 50th entry is here! Not much today, apart from mum stealing my things.

I'm coughing now and I'm not happy with it. Also my boyfriend has caught a cold too, but his symptoms are much worse than mine. I wish him good health and fast recovery. I made myself some honey lemon tea. I ended up accidentally pouring a quarter of it on my trouser leg. I took a shower afterwards, RIP my leg, it got scolded.

I took the glove off my hand and the wound is healing pretty well. I've washed it and hopefully it'll be dry by tomorrow. I'm gonna start doing the Monday after school badminton sessions. They are usually used for team practice and now I just happen to be in the team. I'm happy but also a bit scared of the pressure they are gonna put on us. I'm planning on returning to the gym once I can finally lift heavy stuff.

My phone was being a b*tch. It wouldn't connect to any network so I just had to restart it. Everything else was fine. My computer was fine with it, so was my mum's IPad and all the other devices in the house. At least restarting it made it work.

I downloaded Krita on my computer. I'm gonna get back into digital drawing and I might start posting on my tumblr. I don't really know. I made it ages ago but haven't really used it.

I made myself a real meaty wrap and my brother nicked a lot of it. It's fine I still have ingredients for next time, which is probably tomorrow, Lolol.

Not much really today. I read assassination classroom with my brother. I've got the fist volume in paperback. Finished that in a few hours. I already know what the ending is like (thank for spoiling me my friends! I greatly appreciated that!).

Nearly finished with my catch-up work. Got the German reading to do and I hate it. Languages are the bane of my life. I don't understand either the text or the question due to my limited knowledge, all I have to do is get the general gist and pray for the best.

Also, MuM sToLe mY F*CkInG MaShEd aVoCaDo AnD WiReLeSs hEaD pHoNeS! I want to eat some eclairs now... might bake some tomorrow if I have time.

Till next time.

Tao


	51. Entry.51 4th February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have a coming out with one of the best reactions possible. Enjoy.

Chinese New Year tomorrow! I'm excited, it's the year of the boar/ pig. Someone asked me when was the year of the horse and it happened back in 2014. They'll have to wait till it's 2026 or when they hit 24 years old. It comes every twelve years, the Chinese zodiac that is.

I brought some honey lemon tea to school today for my cold and in French class, my friend joked about how there was alcohol in it after I took a sip and gave a contented sigh. He later used my excuse of "being drunk" during a speaking question. He said it was too memorable, I guess it was. After all how would the "model student" be and "alcoholic". I hate being called a "model student" by most of my teachers. I'm not, if you get to know me, and I just feel the pressure is on.

My boyfriend wasn't feeling too good today and had to go home early. At least I got to visit him in the waiting room. I got him to put his head on my shoulder instead of the wall and wrapped my arm around him, rubbing his arm and back to comfort him through his pain. I also got him tissues and water when he needed it till he got picked up. Two people in my year saw us and one of them said I was a really good friend *cough cough* and the nurse walked in on us and we both heard her "aww" at us quietly. I advise them to keep their traps shut before I do it myself.

This is probably the only good outing that has happened in my life. This happened when I was hanging out with my friends in a empty class room. There was eleven people there, all part of my friendship group ( yay). I was just sitting there sending a get well text to my boyfriend, who has probably arrived home already. Then I put my phone away and looked at everyone in the room. All good friends, who won't gossip unless I give them the thumbs up. My brain was screaming: DON'T SAY IT, repeatedly. And guess what I did. I got everyone's attention asked a question "is (not gonna out myself to them) here?" I got a bunch of "nopes" and " probably in clinic with the rest". I let out a sigh then got everyone's attention again. Legit, with a nonchalant (casual) voice said " Hey guys, I swing more than one way,".   
I don't think anyone was paying attention because the people I've outed too immediately picked it up and cheered for me. I got a "Well done, Tao," and "you did it, YEAH!" And scared looks from the other fellow gays, glancing between me and the others. So I stood up and walked over and asked them "did you hear what I just said,". They turned towards me and said the didn't catch it so I repeated myself. All I got was a stunned silence and blank looks. They haven't registered it until my fellow gays yelled "In short. Tao is gay/ ain't straight!"   
I immediately got a "wait what?" and few "OH!!!" from them. I realised what had just happened and flushed bright red (apparently). Then the response was the thing I needed the most because I could already feel the tears forming. They congratulated me and started saying "thank you for telling us,", "it must of been so hard keeping it to yourself,", "I'm so proud/ happy for you!,". I also got a couple of hugs and a friend got genuinely concerned about me because he could see the tears and was thinking 'Oh god, please don't cry Tao' (in a good way).   
After all of that I got hit with the question "have you told your parents yet?"  
...  
If I did I wouldn't here anymore, I'll be out on the streets. My parents are Asian and very homophobic. Which sucks, as well as them being traditional and hearing their plans for an arranged marriage. I immediately stopped that when I pointed out how they found each other and got married.   
Back to the subject at hand, so I told them not to tell anyone else as I'm still so far back in the closet that I'm in the secret room (I'll tell you later about that). They didn't pressure me with "why?" Instead they said "I totally understand," and " Don't worry, it's up to you to tell who,".   
AAAAHHH, I'm so grateful and happy that I have accepting and understanding friends. I was still nervous with a few, so I went to them privately and asked them "are you fine with me being, you know?" And they literally responded with " why wouldn't I be? It doesn't change my opinion on you,". T-T  
I'm gonna be so sad when we have to leave for different schools.

About that closet. Well, when I was younger my grandma had a closet in her house which I discovered, was the best hiding place. Right at the end of it was a hidden door and behind it was a corridor that led to an en-suit. Thus I won my hide and seek game and proceeded to hide in there whenever I wanted. I WAS LITERALLY HIDING IN THE CLOSET BACK THEN! The foreshadowing...

The sun was shining and glorious, it was warm outside for once and the sunset was beautiful when I was walking home. If only my BF was there to witness the whole ordeal. I ended up telling him over text and he wished he was there too. Also on the way back there was a fire and we had to walk through the smoke that was blown into us. We had no idea where the source was coming from. I just know different types of fires from smell (my childhood experiences if you want the answer).

Today has been great day with a major good twist.

Extras:

Me *sees a hot girl*  
Mum: are you jealous of her?  
Me externally: haha...  
Me internally: mum, I'm not straight, let me live.

Roses can be white,  
This pyjama itches.  
I'm gonna jump out this window now,  
So sayonara b*tches!

Tao :3


	52. Entry.52 5th February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chinese New Year today, I've revived my red pocket money, thank you to all! My boyfriend is still ill so RIP him. Hope he gets better soon. Today has been decent actually with the ups cancelling out the downs. I'll stop waffling so you can get to the main part.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! I've already announced it on my tumblr but entries are going to be posted on AO3 and Wattpad first. I don't have the tumblr app unfortunately, because my phone is trash and it isn't compatible with most things. I'm going back to drawing and writing in my spare time. I got a creative boost after my long ass art and writers block. I hate them with a passion. Just need to finish the catch up work ( it's been over three weeks!!!), it's getting ridiculous.

During lunch I chatted with my friends. One about a guy who we all disliked because of how homophobic and racist he is. He constantly throws slurs at us. I haven't outed myself to him and I am not planning to either. He'll just see it as an opportunity to attack me. The only time he shuts up is when I'm angry, and I don't get angry easily and it is really hard for me to hate someone properly. But it has happened and it didn't go down well. I might draw a comic of what happened when he tried to slap my face as a joke. My instincts took over and the next thing I knew was that, I had a hold on one of his arm and the other one was in a fist. He was bent over in pain.

I told my friends (the completely out ones) about the time I was flirted to by a girl during work. This was when I was in denial about my sexuality. I was doing my usual work and waited for the next customer to come over. She did and after looking at the menu, she looked up at me. I smiled back at her being polite and not wanting to scare her off. She ended up saying   
"I love your eyes. They are very beautiful,". I didn't know what to say or take it so I just said  
"Thank you. May I take your order please?"  
Which she replied with "Yes, you,"  
I got so confused and blurted out " I'm sorry that's not on the menu,"   
I remember stuttering and she just smiled and then ordered off the menu. When I handed her order to her I swear she left some lingering contact from where she took the bag off me.   
My friends started to laugh at all of my responses and one of them even said "did you actually say that? OMG I can't believe you said that!" And laughed even harder. I heard a "poor girl. I can't believe you shut her down so cruelly," from another person that eavesdropped on the conversation. In my defence I'm bad with girls. I've been hanging out with guys 90% of the time and the other percent we don't talk.

And even though my boyfriend is sick he send me a text saying "happy new year". It cheered me up because he was the only non-Asian that remembered. I even said HNY to a bunch of people and all I got were blank stares and confused faces. It's February, I'm Chinese and I've just said "happy new year".

Also I think I'm gonna get the aftermath of a whiplash tomorrow from judo. It's due to me not landing properly because of my hand. Apart from that, we learned two new techniques, both I'm familiar with because of BJJ. I've also got thanked, because of my gentleness with my training partners. Whoo! I can feel my right lat muscle aching. I don't know if I over did it.

By the way, it's the year of the boar/ pig.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

I'm going to change the title of this work soon. It'll be "Random accounts of my "Queer" life" instead of "Normal". Just to give you guys a heads up.

Till next time.

Tao :3


	53. Entry.53 7th February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finished my drawing last night but haven't have the chance to post it. Here it is and enjoy.


	54. Entry.54 9th February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning. I accidentally went on a rant. Sensitive themes too. If you don't like threats and violence, do skip. God, this is getting dark. I might need to change the ratings.

Hey, hey, hey hey! Sorry about the random updates. Although it does say in the title of the book "random entries" but I'll try my best to update as much as possible.

I was planning on taking me smashed computer to be repaired but I woke up too late today. My body decided to get some extra sleep because it was the weekends... not like I minded tbh. I needed that. But then again. The shop is closed on Sundays... so I'll have to go on like, Mondays. But I have badminton... if I go early I can make it.   
Then I just have to sleep early at night and then wake up late or early in the morning, whenever people aren't awake. To use it AKA, play games and draw digitally.

I was also threatened with another computer to be smashed. Why? Because I wasn't in bed... it was before nine. My mum busted into my locked room, when I was about to change, and smacked me upside the head and slammed the laptop down on my hands. She then continued to accuse me of chatting to people. AS IF! Nobody chats (or wants to!) with me anyway. Not even my friends, everyone is busy and I understand that, which is why I don't wanna bother them. Also I'm socially awkward and a loner and no one likes me.   
Wonder what I was actually doing? Reading. In this case I was reading Webtoons, the one I'm on is called "Let's play" it's funny with a dash of references (with memes). I read a lot. Comics, manga, manhua, novels, light novels, fan fiction etc. Both digital and paper.   
Also mum started yelling at me for keeping everyone up and I was the role model for my siblings because they will follow my example. If so, how did they turn out to be like the opposite of me. Rude to everyone, ungrateful, disobedient, messy and tatty. My brother doesn't get good grades because he doesn't put effort into his work unlike me. My other brother doesn't know when to stop when I stop way to early. (That has lead to many regrets) my little sister is completely different to me, like seriously she is like my polar opposite. They also don't listen to me and then I get into trouble because I'm responsible. I can't do anything because they won't listen to me. And I can't punish them because I'll get into trouble. My hands are tied, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!?!?  
Oh wait, the solution they give me will also get me into trouble too. Hah, am I joke to you?

Anyway, I have been productive, apart from reading webcomics, I have completed some homework and tasks around the house. Also I was threatened to be beaten up in public. They thought the shame would teach me a lesson. I'm more wondering if the public would tolerate a child getting beaten up would be okay. I mean, it's illegal but, okay, I guess...after all, most people just watch and maybe film. Then carry on.

I wish I can tell someone but unfortunately that would mess up with my plans for my life. Even if I haven't planned that far. (Because I didn't think I'll make it this far). I got scared when I planned too much, it's like I'll never reach it.

My bed is cold. I don't have my usual pillow to cuddle to sleep. It's gonna be a long night, tonight.  
I'll see you all next time.

Tao


	55. Entry.55 10th February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The image is just a sketch I did today. I'm trying out new hairstyles, can't just rely on one all the time. (Why are my sketches better than the line art?)


	56. Entry.56 14th February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the random updates, I've been very busy preparing stuff and half term is nearly upon us!

Happy pal/gal/valentine's day!  
As much as like to list off what happened today I need to get to sleep early because of the postpones. Badminton tournament tomorrow. I also want to get a gym session in before or all kicks off. I haven't been going ever since the bite and I can feel my body getting more fatter.

I also saw the owner and the dog today. Just walking down the pavement and right past me. No attacks thank god. WTF was wrong with the dog back then? I was doing exactly the same thing today and the time I got bitten. Except that I didn't get bitten this time, which is good. I hope the owner did do something.

Also I was neglected by my boyfriend. That was great. Or I'm just being jealous?... I mean I did feel left out. I also had fun teasing the other couples and problem who got gift. I had a pal-entine with my close and best friends instead.

My teachers said a few funny stuff today and I thought that I might just share. My physics teachers mantra is "I just hope it keeps/ holds together" this was replied with "same" and "mood". And my biology teacher told me a story about his exams once.  
A black bird managed to get into the exam hall and died in the ceiling somewhere. When he and his wife were taking the exam, the dead bird came splat bang right in the middle of the hall. And he just thought "Uh oh, that's not good," he managed to pass the test, but not after feeling terribly worried because of superstition.

I checked up my laptop which was in the repairs. I was worried because they didn't send me an email or sent it to a wrong one. I thought they might dispose my laptop if I didn't reply. I went after school before French clinic and they haven't even made a start on it. I mean I'm glad that they still have it. So yeah. I'm not mad, just a bit impatient because I've been waiting for months to get it to the repairs. And with it fixed it'll be easier for me to do my homework and everything else.

Apparently there is going to be a protest tomorrow. So, some people aren't coming to school.  
Also The Arcana updated today! And it's the penultimate chapter. I'm scared *chuckles* I'm in danger. So now I'm going through the entire route before I hit the chapter where it decided whether I get the upright(good) or reversed(bad) ending.

I'll also be drawing and posting too on here and my other sites as well.

Have two poems you can feel free to use:

Roses are red  
Violets ain't blue  
We both like each other   
But not in that way too!  
(Happy pal/gal-entines day)

Roses are red  
Violets are blue  
This poem sucks  
And so do you too!  
(*dying of laughter at the reactions I got*)

Stay tuned.

Tao


	57. Entry.57 16th February 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long one today. Combination of yesterday and today. Warning: I had two breakdowns. And this will have a trigger warning of me talking about how I wish I was **** and self loathing. I think. Anyway, Have a 'Swell Day!

Alrighty O! Two breakdowns in a row. Head, shoulder, knees and toes. Turn up your nose and strike a pose! HEY MACARENA!!!

So yesterday I had a badminton tournament. Yay! Until you realised that the people managing it had f*cked up. So the pairs and people for the matches were all wrong and it was like we were destined to be f*cked over. The one match I was paired with the right person (the usual partner I have been training with) we completely thrashed them with 21 to 6. But the others two, I played with a complete stranger, we did do the best we could together, and lost with 19 to 21 BOTH TIMES!!!   
My brother who was playing for the school in a different category got pulled out during a game. So he got to play like, a half of a match. How does one even do that??? He was so hyped up to play and throughout the whole day he didn't even to get to play one properly. He was so upset. Everyone went to comfort him, he was in tears! Me and my friend went and talked with the person managing it and he explained to us. But there wasn't any good reason. I also found out that my friend was crossed out from the original placings and replaced with someone else! And both of us didn't get to play enough matches either!  
One of the teams in our category didn't show up either. This entire tournament was a mess. It was my first and is going to be my last one because it only happens once a year and I'm not going to be here anymore once I finish my GCSEs. Well it is highly unlikely that I'm going to stay.

One part during the tournament was when people brought out their snacks to eat during a small break. My friend brought out dried mangos while other people had healthy food. I was just there sitting with a tray of chocolate fingers! I got a few glares, Lolol, I'm being totally healthy.

On the way to school yesterday, I was running because I was going to be late. I was in a full sprint and had to pull the emergency stop. This was me, jutting my foot out and it stops me pretty effectively. Although it can hurt as it does kinda feel like a pole slamming into you/ digging into you. An old man in his fancy *ss car just laughed at me and then drove right past me.... How could this happen to me? I made my mistakes, got no where to go!

Ahem, anyway. After the tournament I was exhausted. Physically because I ended up running around and emotionally because I was reassuring/ cheering people on and comforting others. I had basketball straight afterwards and a bunch of people came back from a strike. I wanted to go to it but I had the tournament. I got bombarded with questions about something I didn't know, but found out about in the end. That was a tad bit annoying.

We did a warm up in basketball and sir nominated me to be a team captain. I had to refuse because I was just so drained. And the somehow got me the unwanted spotlight of attention. Sir carried on like normal and then noticed me getting really distressed. He offered me to go to a separate room and to do whatever I need done, since I've been in the tournament for the entire day. I was hesitant at first but the accepted.   
As I was on my way walking out I heard people quietly complaining and snickering and muffled laughter aimed at me. That just damped the mood even more. I headed to the changing rooms to grab my bag but ended up locking myself up in a toilet.

I had a breakdown.

A long over due one. One I've been holding in ever since the dog attack incident. Ever since all the countless insults and nasty stuff that were thrown my way.   
My neck, my back. My dEpReSsIoN AtTaCk! After a few tears and sobs, I cleaned myself up and then headed up to do some homework.

Back in the changing rooms someone spread that I was being Iffy. A few friends gathered around me and comforted me. Even if I wasn't telling them everything, it is a long story anyway. I got hugs, pats on the back and even a kiss on the head! I did complain because I was smelly and disgusting from all the exercise, but she just dismissed at and said that weren't we all. I have some pretty cool and chill friends.

I told my best friends after school when we were walking down together. They had to stop me halfway through my explanation because I was getting more upset as I remembered and my voice was cracking really badly. At least they heard me out and comforted me too.

At one part I bumped into my boyfriend and he said he wanted to talk with me. I had to head home before I get yelled at, so I apologised. And my stupid head jumped to the conclusion that he wanted to have a talk about much of a sh*tty person I am and that we should break up.   
I went home sent a personalised message to everyone who comforted me. And got told that I had to to work... great. At least I didn't have to deal with that much customers, they don't want to be left with an emotionally unstable teenager, do they?

End of that day and onto today.

Woke up early this morning to get a text from by BF. He said that the timings of today had to be pushed back, I was okay with that. And at the last minute, I got told I had to dress smart casual. So I did. We went into town and had a burger together, I shared a few memes with him while we were at it. I was given the bill. You know what that means :3. My BF got mad at me for paying the bill.   
Then he dragged me to a clothes shop but refunded the clothes he bought because he needed to money to buy a skateboard that caught his eye. But they gave him credit specific to the shop. So he didn't get cash back. He got upset and then mad because they "indirectly robbed him" which is true, but that's how businesses work to draw back people. He really wanted the skateboard so I offered to pay for it but he didn't want that. He then remembered that today was cut short because I got told just as I was walking out of the door that I had to work tonight at an earlier start too. He turned on me... I guess it's my fault too. Either way I let him get it all out of his system. I tried to comfort him but was pushed away as a result. I got told not to touch him when I tried to give him a hug/ back rub. I let him call whatever he wanted at me (like most people do anyway). It hurt but I just gritted my teeth and bore with it.  
He stormed off, I just trailed behind him, like a lost puppy. He went and bought a drink. I got the person to take my money instead of his. Helped him heap a bunch of vanilla dusting on top of it and sat down on a bench outside, in the light drizzle. I didn't know what to do so I gave him the time to think and for me to think too. When someone, I care very dearly for, is mad at me... I just am at a loss. I don't know what to do. It happens very rarely because of my non-confrontational personality. "Go with the flow and wherever the wind blows. Stick with the crowd and you won't be wiped out,"   
I ended up not facing him, focusing my attention somewhere else. I can't face him. He eventually calmed down. But I still ended beating myself up over it internally. I still am now. I'm still regretting everything I've done. He apologised for blowing up and I forgave him. Why wouldn't it? But I was still beating myself up on the inside and put on a neutral face again. I put up my walls again for flips sake! The usual facade of "I'm fine, don't worry about a minor character like me," I'll just fade into the background.   
Hahh... everything is my fault. When I saw him off, I made sure I could no longer see his car and then dropped the smile. I was wincing and gritting my teeth as my brain decided to replay every thing with a helping of bad memories I was trying to forget. Tears were coining to my eyes again. I had to fight my lips to curl up and pretend that everything went alright when I got home. I nearly broke down in my dad's arms when he gave me a welcome home hug. I headed to my bedroom and locked the door before I did that. I cried while asking my best friends to cheer me up. They did an amazing job again. What did I do to deserve them. I should go been **** a long time ago, I don't deserve to be *****.

Work again tonight. I was kept till late. It just work work work now. Got revision for exams.

I am also planning on seeing off my boyfriend and best friend at 5:30 am for their trip in London. I know it seems stupid of me to do that but at least I get to see them one last time before we can't talk for the rest of the holiday. I'll miss them, even if they don't miss me.

At least I can spill a few beans here.

Till next time I guess.

Tao


	58. Entry.58 1st March 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back, back again? I'm not dead yet Lolol, just really busy with school work and revision with exams on the horizon. Apparently we only have 50 days of school left. YIKES!

Finally some time to myself! I've put some of my work to the side and I'm going to carry on with it tomorrow. It more effective to do it when I'm awake than half asleep.

Been playing games (mainly Last Day on Earth) *cough* I should be revising. I've got my first exam next Thursday, I'm going to be slaughtered. I mean, I already was with my piano teacher. He kept me back for longer because I was doing trash with sight reading. It was hard because my vision was blurring and I had stabbing pains in my eyes. I got it checked up and they said it was probably due to my stress and sleep deprivation. Let me me say guys. DON'T TRY AND SURVIVE THE WEEK WITH LESS THAN SIX HOURS OF SLEEP A DAY!!! It seriously messes you up.

I was having trouble with my body during lunch. Every time I tried to jog or go any faster my foot will have a sharp pain similar to spraining your foot one. And my good knee felt like it was at the worst stage back when I had a crippled knee. And there was the heart flutters, the irregular heatbeats. Not because of people I found attractive, no no no. I know the difference. Last time I nearly blacked out because of it. Or I did but nobody noticed and I didn't realise. Either way I knew it wasn't good and tired to self perform cpr (you take a deep breath and cough with a lot of force (sharp)). I managed to get it to calm down. It was giving me pain too in my chest (not the coughing that is).

It was bold of my friend to assume that I care about my own well being, I don't. I'd rather worry about others than myself. Also because I'm and asshole and I hate myself. I had an argument with my BF when I pointed out that he was being sexist. He still doesn't understand why he is sexist. Yet everyone else does, seriously, the evidence is everywhere. So if it's sexist to a male he doesn't get it. Yet he's one... and... I don't get why. I don't care what gender, people are being sexist to. I will put my foot down.

Other than that I've finished a really good manga. I'm sad now that it's ended. The art was amazing and the story kept me engaged. I'll see if I can get a picture up of it.

I've been barred from any after school clubs. *cri* apparently I need to focus on my exams but my parents are being hypocrites. Why? Because they send me to work(job) instead!... yeah... makes sense. That includes my social life too. So goodbye to that, as if I had any lol.

I got tagged into a project thing and I sent a pic I took right when I got the message. I was pulling a ridiculous face and sent it to my friend. He gave a score of fighter 10/10 and mildly insane 8/10 Lolol. I showed to my close friends at school today and they said that I looked like I had ascended to heaven. My back was facing the light so it was streaming past me and I was giving the "Ok" sign (with the ridiculous expression).

I also go headshotted twice consecutively in badminton today. Damn those shuttle cocks can hurt. I usually play at the back but I try being at the front and I am the magnet for the shuttle. At least I got a few smashes in and wowed a few other players. I complimented a girl (friend who I'm out to) who got a new hair cut. I hope she doesn't take the wrong way. It was a genuine compliment, I'm not flirting! *Panicking*

My friend kept rattling about werewolves now that she got into fanfiction. I might write one, after all she did give me some inspiration. I might do some more drawings and post them too. I dunno what I'm doing rn  
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

I'll see you guys next time then.

Tao


	59. Entry.59 8th March 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back at it again. There's and incoming rant in this entry and some big news. (I've broken up with my BF)

Every teacher that I had today had a talk with me. At least they were all positive. In the morning it was mainly people concerned about me, they said that I looked/ sounded terrible and asked if I was okay. Then reassured me of the future and problems uprising & past and that I can always talk to them or my friends. One that hit me hard was my maths teacher. She made a firm eye contact (how does one do that?) and told me "Take care of yourself, people care about you,".   
BAM!!!  
CRITICAL HIT!  
The others just asked how was my day going and that I'll be fine, which is nice of them.

I've done one of my two of my exams already and I have one more to go, plz end me. They were the speaking for the languages I am doing. It's funny because my friend didn't understand why I didn't want to do anymore languages until I listed how many I know. This includes programming languages. I know ten languages. Five are programming languages. My friends finds it hard to read my binary Lolol.

Alright onto the heavy news. I broke up with my boyfriend. It was for the best for us and we had a private and big chat about it and reached a conclusion. Which was to end it but continue as being friends. He said that would be great and he doesn't want me to be ignoring him... I wasn't. I was giving us some space to cool down after a massive argument. Actually a series of arguments.   
I ranted to my close friends about it and they gave me some advice and comforted me over it. Over time the more arguments that happened the less I felt comfortable and safe around him, he blew up on me a few times for a small reason too. One of them was when he pushed back the timings of the date but I warned him that I had to go to work so I can't stay out late, I work the night shift. He said it was fine but when I reminded him when he got there, he got so angry and railed at me. Then called up his parents and told them while tweaking the story so it painted me in a bad light. Then started "guilt tripping me" as my friends noticed when I recounted it. He did it again saying that if I leave him he'll fall into depression again...that... is guilt tripping and kind of a threat. Even I don't use my problems (d********, s******* t*******, f***** & f****** etc )to make him do what I want. But I forgave him on all accounts. The he got mad at me for hanging out with my friends and proceeded to shun me out whenever I try to bring him in. Also got real angry when I told him that I ranted some of the problems in the relationship to my friends, even when I told him. Sheesh. Chill, I need to be able to rant to other people and reconnect with my friends after kinda neglecting them because I've been spending so much time with him.   
So during our serious talk I brought everything up and stuff that been bothering me. He was mad at me yet again because I was busy revising for my exams, the real deal this time! And that they were in a week... yet he still couldn't understand... he's not in the same year as me (year below) so he can bloody relax and have fun, while I can stress and worry my head off.

He also laughs at my misery too, especially with my dog (attack) bite, he was there but didn't help and laughed and made fun of me while I was in the A&E (holding a breakdown inside too). He finds it funny to inflict pain on me when I've already told him I was injured and that I didn't like it. Gets upset and mad whenever I'm better that him in something and tries to discredit my achievements sometimes, (I shared it to him for a reason! It's to celebrate!)  
Big sigh.  
The more I talk about our relationship, the more I realise how bad it was.

I'm finding it hard to balance leisure , practices/ training, sleep, school, work and friend/socialising time.  
I feel like dying and I'm soooo bloody exhausted. I just don't wanna wake up.

I've also got forced to partake in a swimming competition. It was only because there was nobody that wanted to do it and that I did it four years ago. Bold of them to assume that I've been in the pool since. I haven't swam in the past three years... oops. I was put down for butterfly and I don't know how to do butterfly stroke. Then I didn't have a swimming costume anyway. So I asked if I can wear a rashvest (borrowed from friend) and swimming trunks (mine but never got the chance to wear them) and I felt more comfortable in them. I felt exposed when I wear the school swimming costume, or any for the matter. And my insecurities and low self esteem played a big role in my refusal too.   
In the end I was forced, my parents offered to pull me out (because of how uncomfortable I was with it) and all the people I've asked, who can cover me, refused. I didn't want to force anyone or let the team down so I went instead. Everyone was chill with it and the team mainly consisted of good acquaintances and friends.   
I was put into every race possible, so after the first two back to back I was completely wasted. I had to lie down until the next time I was called up. I was dizzy and my body was shutting down on me. I should of paced it out.   
We had one fun race where we paddled on short (surf)boards. I participated and it was amazing. Reminded me of the time that I used to go surfing. My technique was still great because we came first. Overall my team came first too(a pleasant surprise since We are used to coming last)! And we had a group photo, Lolol some other girls wanted to join too.  
Had a quick rinse and during then I messed up my hair so it can have a better wash. Everyone freaked out in a positive way? They said that I should do that to my hair more often and that it looks good on me, but the amount of attention was disturbing to me.

I'm glad that I took some painkillers before I went to swim. I had the mother of all headaches. Probably caused by stress, worry, lack of sleep, and the unwanted drama I'm getting caught up in. Moved up to my grade 5 music theory (Yay!) mum wasn't proud, in fact she was disappointed in me and compared me to my cousins, once again. There goes my confidence.

That's all I have to say/ rant for now. I'll see all you guys next time!

Tao


	60. Entry.60 17th March 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! It's been some time and I've been bogged down with the first few exams. Got them out of the way for now.

I've got small periods of rest from exams before I have my main exams come hurtling at me full speed. Not looking forward to it to be honest.

I'm listening to Chlorine by Twenty One Pilots right now. I'm a bit addicted to the song and the music video for My Blood by TOP left me shooketh! The ENDING!!! AAAAH!

Anyway. I've taken up skateboarding, mainly for transportation. I know how to bike as well as surf. I needed a land transport that was easy to carry around and store. Figured out that skateboarding will be better than skates. I was trying to skate to BJJ, it kinda worked. First time on the pavement which was very bumpy. Tried in the car park of my gym, very bumpy again. I nearly fell over plenty of times. I actually fell over once but I caught myself in time that it looked like I was breakdancing. I don't know how to break dance please don't kill me. Lolol. A car slowed down to check if I was alright when I nearly face planted from leaning too far forwards when pushing off. That was really nice of them. Met a few people back in BJJ. I don't usually see them because they come to the Tuesday sessions than Sunday's.

Been looking for MMA gyms or martial arts clubs near the place I'm going to move to. I looked at the prices and damn. It's twice as expensive but it had lessons running all day. Then again, the timings are all off, so going by bus or train is a no no. RIP. I guess I just gotta quickly learn how to drive. Need to get the passport photo and get my provisional license. Thinking about it, I hope my parents will give me some allowance so I'll just use it on the gym membership and transport fees. Food I can prepare in advance and in bulk so it's cheap. Wow I sound like an extremely broke college student.

Been writing and doing a little bit of drawing on the side. Working on chapter two of a story. Here's a little extract from it:

"How come I don't know anything about your life?" Zhi Zhi wailed." I thought that I was your closest friend!"

"You are my close friend," Chen Xing tried to comfort her "I don't have many friends anyway,"

"That's even more depressing!"

"People are looking this way if you keep going on with that pinched cry," Jun Jie intervened.

I might post the story soon but it's gonna be some time before I update it. That's the problem, long times before I update. I sometimes can bang out a chapter in a day or go for weeks not writing a word from writer's block.

I ended chatting about anime with an employee. She ended showing me one of the most disturbing and depressing scenes she has watched. I then recommend her 'Violet Evergarden' it had a lot of feels. I was ugly sobbing on episode ten especially. I'm planning on watching 'The Promised Neverlands' and waiting for the next episode of 'That Time I got reincarnated into a slime'

Mum got mad at me for buy some shorts that she didn't like. Welp, she did say I was allowed to buy anything I want and she said she wouldn't care. Guess what? The shorts are only a few inches above my knees. So definitely not skimpy. Apparently it's too masculine and by wearing it I'm becoming a lesbian... what does clothing have to do with sexuality?

Too much drama going on at school. Sometimes you jut gotta walk awayayay. (Someone please tell me that you get the reference)

I keep getting ideas for stories but it hard to write them out because it's not all sorted out yet. There isn't a fixed timeline. The one I'm writing right now I have a faint idea of how it's going to go and end. So I'm working on it. It's just taking time, oops.  
I hope I do finish it. I rarely finish my stories Lolol.

Well, until next time.

Tao


	61. Entry.61 April Fools day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April fool Everyone! It's been a while, my apologies. Have a doodle I did in class when I was bored.

The link to the doodle is here:

https://flic.kr/p/TfH7Ny

It came out better than expected, which is a nice surprise. Since it was April Fools I wished a happy birthday to a friend who was born 16 years ago, sorry buddy, you just had to be born on one of the worst days of the year.

Two guys trashed the common room today. Everything was covered in foil, they got caught and had to take everything down but I thought it was pretty neat. They managed to cover everything before school started. I'm still waiting for the next update of Tamen de gushi. I need to see my two lesbian daughters and their friends. Oh well guess I'll be patient. I really need some new recommendations, I'm running out of materials that help me escape reality.

As much I as would like to stick around, I need to get going. I hope I get more time to write a lengthy update next time!

Tao


	62. Entry.62 28th April 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally and update after so long, been busy with work and exams biting my ass. I'm gonna post a separate story here soon so keep an eye out for that.

 

Long time no see! Currently I've just finished typing up a story that I had to bang out in class. Its for preparation for my English exam but I decided to publish here because it a completed story that I thought I might share. It's a timed piece of writing so there will be some inaccuracies due to me not being able to research properly about it. Do enjoy it if you have the time.

Most of my time is spent procrastinating then revising when I get enough motivation nowadays, which really sucks because I have my German writing and listening on Tuesday and I have zero motivation to study. Trying to focus on some listening as I do terribly on it. With writing I can scrape a solid B/6 grade. Might be able to topple into the A/7 grade if I'm really lucky. AAAAH it's all exams exams and exams. I want to put time on a hold, do everything that I want, then make time carry on.

I can now officially say that my Ex has been ignoring me while he said that he wanted the relationship to remain as back to close friends. But never mind, I'm doing my part, he's not. Every so now and then he would insult me and then ask me a question innocently, which is linked to the insult so it doesn't apply to him. I feel sorry for the person he is currently clinging onto.

Also I may of have to meddle with the law 'cause I have been dragged in to deal with at least 3 properties and their fate... Two has property damage while the other one needs renovating. We have to do these ourselves but I hope they can hold out till I finish my exams, seriously don't expect the oldest child to do everything. I'm still a child after all, haven't even graduated yet.

I'm hoping that on one Wednesday that me and my friends can sign out of school and head into town together. No we are not skiving if we have permission from out parents. (I have forged my parents signature)

Hope I don't get caught.

Tao


	63. Entry.63 10th June 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back, back again!   
> Exams are closing to an end and I am starting to relax.  
> Hopefully, I can be more active.

Back at it again with the bullcrap I've been up to! Heh heh... I apologise for being so inactive. Most of my life has been spent on revision, exams and procrastination. Let's start on one of the more important news, shall we?  
  
My teacher in BJJ (Brazillian Jiu-jitsu) finally obtained his black belt! After training for decades in one of the most hardest martial arts and teaching others for years! Much loved by his students, we managed to raise a sum for his birthday too! Shh~ Don't tell him I told you otherwise our main teacher is going to 'Take your (my) life' and if I managed to survive, my other teacher will make me wish that he had ended me. Today is a truly memorable day. I'm so happy that I'm crying internally. The present for his birthday hasn't been decided yet, but all I know is that he's getting a trip to a seminar in the USA or an inflatable jacuzzi OR midget porn (that one is mainly for laughs). Someone suggested a sex-change while holding a picture of his face photoshopped onto a model in lingerie but it was shut-down. He's cishet, and it's unnecessary, plus it was a joke in the beginning anyway.  
  
Onwards and we have me with my first driving licence. I managed to finally get it after renewing my passport. I use it for identification whenever it was needed. I enjoy flashing it at cashiers whenever I need to show ID. Can't buy alcohol but I can buy one of my favourite drinks: Redbull! My friend told me to be careful and not to get addicted to it again. (I had some a decade ago and was hooked, then I was banned from it). Smuggled some to school and shared it to everyone on the 'no-muck up' day. It ain't stopping me because I take rules and guidelines as suggestions, I decide whether to follow them. I remember one muck-up day, people went around slapping the lower years with sardines. My friend got hit with one so hard it broke. Then there was the soap slide, the bra tree, toilet roll trees, beach in the quad, water balloon fight, there was more, but I can't remember off the top of my head.   
  
I have been doing a lot more drawing, and I'm improving, but it's still hard as heck. Digital art has been a wild ride. Hopefully, when I finish this one piece, I'll be able to post it. I'll post the WIP somewhere if you'd like. Also, I'm down to four last exams. Paper 1 of Further Maths and Paper 2s of Chemistry, Physics and Further Maths. I was forced to do F.Maths, and it makes me want to die.  
  
I've also bought myself a phone, and it was hidden until my mother did some snooping in my room and found it. I still have it but with some restrictions. I managed to lift nearly all of them with some bargaining and persuasion. It originally went from having it after the exams (3 weeks wait from then) to 1 hour per day after 7:00pm to 2 hours per day to waking hours (I don't go to sleep until late). Speech 100!   
  
Been surviving on pizzas and burritos whenever I'm home because of study leave. Much more fun than being stuck at school revising when I can be in bed doing jack-sh*t nothing! Man, it feels so good. I ended up catching up on stories, manga, comics etc. In short, I'm falling back on my old ways of ACG. Getting back into LOL and FPSs, so much fun killing people off guard and hunting down people on killing streaks.  
  
The properties have been handled well and are nearly finished. My exams are ending, everything is drawing to a close. Oh, wait... Prom. That dreaded event. Mum is gonna force me to go in a dress, but I will be doing a switch-a-roo with a 3-piece suit I have prepared in advance and have handed to a friend. You can't stop me. And then I can laugh at my siblings who still have to go to school.   
  
For this summer I'm going back to China. Mainly to rest and see my family as well as to eat food. Hopefully I can persuade mum to go and allow me to get me a gym's membership when I go over, or I could just borrow my cousin's equipment if he still has it. My cousin recently got married, and I want to see who is the lucky woman. My cousin is very picky, and I find that a bit funny, well I hope she is good enough for him and vice versa. My parents told me to stop being protective and nosey lolol.

  
I did a grapplethon for charity! It's a marathon but grappling, and at the end of it, I was dying. The next few days, I was walking and moving very stiffly from my achy muscles. The kids were no match for me, but I was barely a match for the adults unless they were fresh meat (new). We managed to beat out target price at £500 by nearly 3 times. We managed to raise £1400! It's all to a local charity which is like Samaritans. They also provide counselling sessions to people.   
  
Right now I'm into Demon Slayer. I binged the manga and the anime, and now I am currently waiting patiently for the next update. I don't like how people are comparing it to Goblin Slayer just because of the name? I mean, they both have different plots! Same with the 'The King's Avatar' and SAO's conflict. They both have different plots. Citrus VS Bloom into you. Just don't do that, BTW I prefer Bloom into you (it has a good plot and Citrus was just giving off rapey vibes).  
  
During the meantime I was busy showing my brother 'SQ: start from your name' Or more commonly known as 'tamen de gushi'. It's hilarious, and my brother needed a good laugh to get rid of the stress. Also, there is a plushie/pillow that I really want from SQ, but right now, I'm too broke to get it. Hopefully in the future, I will be able to get it. Ramen cat here I come!  
   
That's all for now. So, stay alive, be safe and don't forget to have fun.  
  
Tao


	64. Entry.64 14th June 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today marks the day where everyone separates.  
> We may see each other every so now and then whenever our paths cross but I can guarantee that everyone is on their own road. It's a bit unbelievable that the end is here already.  
> I hope to see everyone again because I am going to miss them terribly.

It's the end now, isn't it? Well, this chapter of my life that is. Everyone has finished their GCSE's (apart from me and a few unlucky others doing further maths). We all said our goodbyes, some of us will be going to prom but not all.

So huh, it's the end, and now it's all gone. It feels like a few months ago that I first started school and met everyone. These five years really have flown by. It's very saddening, and I know from experience that very little of us will keep in contact, and the number who will, are going to diminish over the years.

 

I would still have retained a few friends if I stayed, but I'm going to a different school, yet again. This one will be in a different county while everyone has moved to the college in the area. I'm going to miss everyone. Especially how the entire year united when we went into the exams together. It was heartwarming to see everyone encouraging each other, most notably everyone saying "good luck" to each other before entering the exam hall, and then congratulating one another when it's finished. The great divide in the year has never been so close to each other. I'm going to miss everyone. I really am. (I hate goodbyes)

 

At least I have my memories and the entries here that won't be leaving anytime soon.

 

Onto other news, I had a wild goose chase with my package. I ordered it online, and on the day it was supposed to be delivered, I never received it. Later on, I phoned them and checked the tracking, it said it was delivered and signed! My signature is an uncommon one because I used symbols and letters, so forgery is going to be hard. I asked my neighbours if they received it and kept it for me, but they had nothing. So now it was down to either the delivery guy stealing it, or it was delivered to the wrong address... IT WAS DELIVERED TO THE WRONG ADDRESS. They sent it to a completely different street, with a different name and postcode... HOW?!?!? I hope the person gets notified about this, so they don't make the same mistake twice. Otherwise, it's gonna ruin somebody's day.

 

At work, the new employee is quite nice. He's a good person to chat with and relate. He's also very chill with LGBTQ+, so I'm feeling safe. Actually, most of the employee's who stay are chill with LBGTQ+, although they are confused with some parts of it, which I explained and guided them gently to the right path of becoming an ally, or at least not a hater. He also pointed out to me on the shift that 6 police cars went right past the shop and up the hill to my school and his house... Something was going down.

 

Also, dad misdirected his anger onto me, so I got pissed, and he got pissed. I got some of his wine and pretended to pour it down the sink, but he thought that I was gonna drink it. I told him I wasn't, but he then decided to provoke me and dared me to do it. I took a swig with no hesitation.

Dad: *surprised Pikachu face* And then said he was going to tell on me to Mum.

Turns out that mum just laughed and told me not to do it again while dad just stared at Mum and me like we were out of this world. RIP dad, you won't be getting revenge on me.

 

Prom is coming soon, and you know about my whole switch-a-roo I'm going to do. A dress during the very beginning, then change into a suit for the majority and then back into the dress when my mum picks me up. It'll be funny when people see the group photo taken at the beginning while comparing it to their memory of the prom. I, unfortunately, can't go to the after prom party because of my parents, but I hear that most of my friends aren't going so I'm not concerned.

 

I've also gonna finally get a ring with pride on the inside. It's because I'm still closeted to the general public and family. But if I do go to pride, I'm going to attach the ring to my dog tag necklace and show off the rainbow on the inside. During the day I'll just wear it like any other ring.

 

Further maths had me smashed today after physics. Not looking forward to the next F.maths paper and a near empty common room. I'm already missing everyone.

 

Hang in there

 

Tao


	65. Entry.65 18th June 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today's another big day, PROM! A lot has happened and so has the emotions that ran through me. 5 years really did past that fast huh? It's scary. Today's highlight was the Grand Switch-a-roo that was executed perfectly.  
> Edit: I am actually typing this up on the 19th but I haven't gone to sleep yet because I want to get this down as soon as possible.

 

 

 

A special day. Put together by my form tutor for the entire year. This year's theme was 'The Oscars', so there was prizes given out. It was very stressful, the entire day that was.

 

So from the top now! I went to sleep at two in the morning because I was busy playing videogames till late, like I usually do during the holiday's. I've finished my exams yesterday so I am no longer a student of school and I am technically on holiday. Spent most of the day chilling at home before dressing smart casually (Long sleeve shirt, belt, Jeans and converse) for the 'Thanksgiving BBQ'. I was supposed to meet my close friend at reception but later spotted him in the chapel, where we had a service before the food. During the service we had two speeches, I swear that my friend's speech was better than the first one. There is no bias in that because a bunch of people can up to him to congratulate and complement his speech. It was very entertaining and funny. Then the girls choristers sang 'Thank you for the music' which was a bit melancholy but nice. I slipped on my waistcoat that my close friend brought in the bag. I originally gave him the bag packed with a three piece suit was for prom. (The grand switch-a-roo!). An another friend of mine asked why I was dressed up like John Wick lolol.

 

After the service we headed to the BBQ. It was raining so we went to the dining hall instead. On the way there I saw my Ex. He just stared at me with my waist coat on and it reminded me of the time where he got mad at me for looking better in a waistcoat than he does (this was during the time we were dating). I headed in first and my close friend made eye contact with him. He later told me that my Ex had glared at him and theorised that it was probably for the angry text and the immediate blocking my close friend sent to Ex. The text was about how sh*t he's been treating his friends (me and my Ex-crush) and how he is in general. He is a pretty toxic person to be around.

After eating, me and my close friend went into town and wandered around. We ended going into a second hand store for electronics and games. He got three sonic games to play during the holidays. I don't think that's enough to be honest.

Then we headed to one of the parks that was a hidden gem in town and had a long conversation between ourselves. I wore my school hoodie that I received that day. Even when I order the smallest size, it's a bit big on me...and I like that!

 

Once we split and I reached home mum said she booked an appointment for me to have makeup to be put on. I already had an argument over it with mum this morning. I said I didn't want any. She said it was common curtsy for a girl to wear makeup to prom. It's not like we are going to be visited by the royals or what. I don't see the point in make up unless it's to hide spots or something like that. Also what common courtesy, I didn't know about it. I ended getting shoved into a dress and had makeup put on by mum instead. We arrived at the venue after the starting time but it didn't matter. People haven't started eating yet so it was all fine.

 

I quickly got the bag with the change of clothes off my close friend, thank you to him for keeping it, and changed out of the dress into a suit, with a bowtie and waistcoat. All good. My teachers was somehow delighted that I turned up in a suit. But my friends definitely were because they knew how uncomfortable I would be in a dress. Plus the dress was pink! (I don't like the colour but it's not a bad one). Wearing a suit was more suitable (pun intended) for the gravel and grass we had to walk over and the dancing that came along. Plus there was pockets in the trousers, le gasp because I got it from the men's section, at least I had somewhere less troublesome to store my belongings. I brought my phone and golden playing cards. I mainly didn't wear the blazer and wandered around with my waistcoat on. I got out my cards and loads of people noted that I looked like some dealer from a casino (was kinda the look I was heading for).

 

During the prom I had fun dancing, laughing, singing at the top of my lungs (thus ended up killing my voice) and talking to people (One part I was comforting a friend that was rejected by his crush because he was straight). The small event that was hosted by the head of year was great and so was the prize giving's. There was some pleasant surprises, especially when half of the prizes where won by my friends. (best couple, most caring, prime minister, most dappiest look, dreamiest dress). Saying goodbyes was the hardest. The usually non huggable types were the ones to initiate hugs. It was very hard to not cry. The last song we sang together was 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by Queen and it was so powerful. I had to quickly change back into the dress before mum picked me up to put up the illusion that I wore a dress. (I really didn't want to)

 

The karaoke was one of the best parts. Everyone got the chance to sing. The students, teachers and even the headmaster. My favourite ones are: Tequila (had an entire group of my friends doing it, despite having 3 lyrics), Rasputin, Bohemian Rhapsody, Born this way (LGBTQ+, whoop!) and High hopes. I can't remember anything else off the top of my head.

 

 

We went home and I phoned a few friends to say goodbye to them and tell the ones going to the after party to stay safe. Mum immediately took pictures of me in the dress and sent them to family members. I feel terrible because of how I tricked them. When they think I'm finally being feminine while I'm actually an entire 180 degrees turn from what they imagined. It's like leading a double life, you present one way to your family and another to your friends/ public. Quoted from my friend "You are like a spy!". Yes.

 

I had an uncomfortable conversation with my mum in the car. She was talking about my close friend and how she doesn't get why he is not cishet but trans and gay... Gender has nothing to do with sexuality. But by the principles of mum "If you like girls, you are a boy and if you like boys, you are a girl," There is one gigantic flaw in that logic. What happens if you are attracted to more or none of the genders. What are you then? Take that mum!

 

But all in all, today has been successful and amazing, despite the roller-coaster it was. I hope that my parents don't find the prom photos, especially if I'm in a suit, they'll murder me.

 

Till next time!

 

Tao


	66. Entry.66 23rd June 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First week into the holidays for me and I'm starting to go crazy. I'm still busy for some reason and I have to go and still study for future stuff that I can do that in a month's time and I'll be fine! *sigh*

You'd expect me to be having fun in the holidays while in reality I'm still suffering. Just not as much as I was a few weeks back.

 

Dad has gone and told me to study for my driving theory but I can't take the test yet, he still has to wait a few months. Despite that I took a mock test and I got the majority right, not enough to pass, but this is based on what I already know. I guess observing people and my parents' driving really came in handy, and common sense. So things you can figure it out. But anyway I've compiled what I need and now I just have to burn my way through 3 books and do some test drives and I'm fine. Also my cousin did help me in the end, even if he took me for a spin in his moped and motorcycle and then mum with her car, and my experience on the road on my bike. Experience is vital I guess.

 

I was told to study for my supposedly new school... I don't even know if I got in yet and by looking at the entry requirements, my fear levels are shooting through the roof. Aaaahh, my heart. If I do pass I'm going to have a tour around their place and ask if I can wear a shirt and tie with trousers instead of a blouse and skirt. I feel more comfortable in them and would be very happy if they let me wear trousers, I'm okay with the blouse but I've been used to shirt and ties for the majority of my life.

 

I have never felt the urge to cut off my hair so much. I let it grow for prom, usually I get it trimmed once it gets past my shoulder blades, but I've always wanted short hair. I had it once of and era when I was still in china, so until I started primary school I've always had my hair short. I want to go back to that because I like it. I'm looking at Amber Liu's hairstyle, but if I go to the hairdressers/ barbers I'm gonna ask for a pixie with an undercut and show them a picture so they get an idea. Gah! Why is life so hard and unwilling! My dad has no problems with it but my mum is giving me hell. If I want to do anything masculine she either calls me a lesbian or trans. I mean my dad wants to grow out his hair again, like his youth when he had long hair. See? My dad had long hair in the past while I had short hair, can we sometimes go back and see that as norm? I really wanna see dad with long hair, I think it'll be cool!

My mum sees no problem with cutting my little sister's hair...what her problem with mine!

 

During my free time, since school's out for me, I've been busy with my job and housework... It's a constant wake up, eat, housework, eat, housework, eat, job, sleep. BORING! I want to do my things. I've got free time and it's not to clean up my siblings mess that they are too lazy to do. I don't mind doing the washing, or tiding the house but if they purposely chuck things on the floor or leave things out when they could of put them back, I'm gonna get real mad. Then there is my job. They call me in when they don't need me, WTH stop! Yes I'm cheap labour but don't call me in when you have sufficient people to do the shift, it's an insult to me and the people working. And I could be doing more meaningful activities. Such as catching up with a latest series I put on hold because of the f*cking exams or finish all the WIPs that need a bit of touching up.

 

My friend is planning a trip for and all our friends are invited, we are planning to do some watersports so I need to go and get a rashvest ready to swim in. I've got swimming trunks but I'm tempted to go out and buy another one. One problem... I'm broke. Anyway I need to arrange a time for me and my close friend to meet up so I can have my prom suit back. Then we can spend the day exploring the town for some hidden spots and chat. Maybe search for some clothes if he wants to instead. I don't mind. I might need a new suit for future proms as I can't use my suit I have already as uniform.

 

I guess that all for now. Not much since I'm doing literally nothing, fun-wise that is.

 

'Till next time

 

Tao


	67. Entry.67 8th September 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long day, without you my friend. I'm at a new school and the days don't seem to end. I'm back and I've been doing some travelling that took my mind off results. *shivers*

Guess who's back and not dead yet? It's me! Ya boi!

I apologise for the time I was away. I guess I never really got the chance to actually sit down and type this all out.

SO. A new school year has started and taking about year, it's gonna be the end of this story? Book? Collection? Don't worry, I'll still be here. Anyway what I was trying to say is that I will be making a posting a second one, a continuation of this one but with 'Book 2' on the side and most likely the year too. Or I might as well just do the years. Either way it'll be easier to date and keep track of.

 

During the holidays I went back to China. Usually during the summer most of my family will still be at work and maybe some are abroad doing that, but that will always leave at least one or two who could keep us company. BUT my cousin decided to up and marry a wife and then move to the other side of China, joking but it's still pretty far... *cri*. My older brothers decided to move out of the city and the younger one decided to go far away, with his friends, to work. I don't really know what they work as too... I think maybe a mechanic?

 

My cousin still facetimed me during my time in China so that was cool and my older brother came to visit for a week by flying domestically. He also got a girlfriend but when I asked him who he was chatting to he told me 'your sister-in-law'. I swear that the life just exited my body for a second, then I saw his face and realised it was a joke. What annoyed my mother was that he left after his stay because of his girlfriend. Man I am not ready for another wedding. I've got to do my A-levels and we only have a year before exams then another year with exams attached to the end. I need time. My eldest brother is now a player, fooling with a girl for a while then dumping her ass. RIP, my opinion of him has gone down a bit.

 

During China, I and my family went to visit Guilin and tour the scenic views. Let me say, I love being with nature and it's a bonus to learn about the culture. You see, Guilin's wildlife is protected by the government I think. So no mining is allowed in certain areas, and these areas are mainly for tourism and believe me. They are absolutely breath-taking. If you go and find a 20 yen Chinese note. Look at the artwork of the river with mountains on it. I went there, I went on a boat that cruised right down that lake. I also visited one of the caves, learned about the culture of one of the tribes/ races of china. I belong to the 'Han' tribe, which is also the most populated tribe. There used to be many more but they ended up merging and taken over by the majority. I learned about the 'black clothed zhuan zu' tribe if I remember correctly. They are a matriarchal society too, which was interesting to learn about. We also visited the 'elephant trunk hill' and the pagodas in the Fir lake. Lastly we visited the Jingjiang Prices city. Which, in my tour guides, words are the equivalent to Beijing's Forbidden City. I mean I got a trip into the past and sat in where the examinees would sit and stay for a few days. A little simulation of they had to go through. It was fun.

 

My favourite part was when we got to climb the waterfalls in one of the mountains. The cool water was just what I needed on a hot summer's day. I mean it was 35+ degrees Celsius, EVERYDAY too! I can cross that off my bucket list that I thought I didn't have, as well as skipping a stone a waterfalls plunge pool. I nearly fell if you were wondering and I ripped my poncho that was protecting me from most of the water. We had to wear grass sandals and those rubbed against the back of my foot so badly that it bled and now I have a scar to remind me, lolol. I also had fun on the zip wire and suspension bridge that they had there too. My fear of heights just gave me a shot of adrenaline which I kinda recycled into excitement for the activity.

I'll be posting some of the pictures I took on my tumblr I think.

 

For the rest of the time in China I spent eating my favourite foods and drinking a sh*t ton of bubble (boba) tea. Man, I love that stuff, literally addicted to that goodness. I also went to the gym too. One of the instructors/ supervisors got so scared of me that he just said to me that I don't need to be trained anymore. I'm good as I am. Another regular at the gym first saw me lifting the 7.5kg dumbbells, so he decided to train with the 10kg ones. Just one size up from me. Boy, what a mistake. Just because I'm a girl and you would assume that I'm not as strong. Apparently I'm stronger than nearly all the girls at my school and I've been training for around 3 years in the gym. Just been lacking some during exam season. I used to be able to train with 10kgs. So, the guy tried to lift it aaaaaand... Failed. So he went over to the other set of 7.5kgs and tried them, he could only do a few reps. He eventually settled with the 5kgs.

 

I came back to England the day before results day. I was badly jetlagged and stressed when I greeted my teachers for the last time. My results weren't what I expected, I didn't get all 9s like my over achieving cousins, but the 7s and 8s in the areas I thought I would. But hey I passed all of them and I'm satisfied with that. Plus I managed to get into the grammar school. I was 1 mark off a 9 and I was pissed, did the remark help? Nope. It stayed the same, RIP. Mum got real mad and started blaming my phone, FYI when I had my phone they subjects that I still had to do got 7s and above, so in your face Ma! Dad... He was happy that I managed to get into the school and just wanted the best from me. Honestly, it was the disappointment that hurt the most and not the yelling and punishments that was dished out.

 

So, I got into the school that is in another county from where I live, so now I'm currently living with my cousins, who also go to the school. It's an all girls one, so I'm gonna miss the dudes. I already miss them as a matter of fact.

Before I moved over to my cousins I went out with my friends, whoo!

The first one was to my friend's birthday party. I arrived early like I usually do, but due to that I accidently bumped into some people from school. It was awkward so I quickly excused myself. #escaping:100

None of the two other girls could make it, so it was a truly lads day. Yes, I'm considered one of them now. Sometimes some people forget that I'm a girl, lolol, but that doesn't bother me, it felt good to just be with the guys.

 

The second one was to a close friend's house to meet her new kitty. Yes, her cat was cute but he also managed to break that toy I was playing with him as well. My expert cat petting skills came into use because he was purring non-stop when ever I laid my hands on him. The other part of the time was spent watching vids together and playing Smash Bros Ultimate on my close friends Wii U. Both of my close friends commented on the second hand rage I get when ever they are up against a challenger or I'm cheering both of them on at the same time. One of them said she got more entertainment from my 'happy feet' that the game itself. My feet just gets jumpy when ever I'm nervous or fired up.

During lunch we had some delicious beef burgers and made fun of my ex and his broken logic. Quote from my ex "Men can't have fat asses". Yes they can you idiotic piece of sh*t. I've seen it with my own eyes. I'm not a perv I swear, lolol.

 

Alright back to the present, right now I'm at my cousins. I was supposed to be back with my parents during the weekends and holidays, but some shizz went down with the business, so they told me to stay up here. I would type more but it's getting late and I need to get up early tomorrow to catch the train.

 

Next time it'll be about the induction day and the 'teambuilding' trip I had.

 

See ya!

 

Tao


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